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Purple Belt
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my shitty breakup

Fri Jan 05, 2018 8:00 am

          • hi i've been feeling conflicted because i never got a chance to share this story to any of my friends so i guess i might as well share it here so if you like breakup stories then here's mine i guess.

            i have only "dated" one person before. i broke up with him about a month ago exactly, and looking back on it - it was hardly a relationship, and most of it if not all was entirely my fault, but i didn't intend for it to be that way. it ended on odd terms, and honestly this story is ongoing because i literally cannot avoid him :^)) and it's getting worse and worse as it goes on

            i'm in a law enforcement class, and my hope is to become a police officer. this class is at a tech center a few minutes away from my school. basically, i take all my core classes at my homeschool in the morning, and then in the afternoon, i go to this tech center for my law enforcement class. in the beginning, he had a girlfriend, albeit she was little rude. he had at one point gotten into an argument with his parents and in turn, had his phone taken away. from there, his girlfriend had gotten into his snapchat, then messaged our class's group on there, basically telling us all to "fuck off" and that he was her boyfriend and nobody else could have him. now, this was all very confusing, not just to me but to the rest of my classmates because that same day he had come in and told us that she broke up with him. when someone told him that she was in his snapchat, he got really mad, and ended up borrowing his friend's phone to change his password on snapchat, then officially ended things with her that night.

            looking back at it, i can see how dramatic he was. think of one of those broody "the weight of the world is on my shoulders, i've been hurt so many times" types of characters that you see in movies, and that was basically him. he also had a nasty temper, was very much the jealous type, and honestly if i had to guess, bipolar. i don't know why i thought i liked him honestly. he had messaged some cheesy romantic poet line on a selfie i had taken on snapchat when he got his phone back, and honestly i had at first tried to brush him off because 1. i don't know how to react to compliments and 2. im not the biggest fan of cheesy romantic stuff when it comes to my own personal relationships. not to mention i hardly knew the guy at this point. i'm too nice to block or ignore people forever, so eventually i did cave in when i saw his name flash on my screen. we talked a little bit, but things didn't really pick up until a few days later.

            he found out that the girl he had just broken up with had actually been cheating on him for a part of their relationship together, and he took it pretty hard. i didn't really say anything to him, but the same day he found out, he reached out to me, asking for advice and just talking about his problems in general. now, i'm kind of used to giving out relationship advice and helping out my friends when they need help because i will admit i am the mom friend of my group and when it all comes down to it i do want to make sure that people are okay. despite not having dated anyone, a lot of people said that my advice was helpful, because i was outside looking in, i had the birdseye view of the maze basically. so when he asked me what to do, i honestly didn't think anything of it. we talked for quite a while actually, and at some point i went to bed.

            it was around this time when we began to get closer and closer, and i do think that at one point i really did like him a lot, but that little spark went away very very quickly after he began to show me who he truly was. he asked me out on a date (that never happened, i'll explain later) one day when we had a break in our law enforcement class. we began as one of those cute couples. we're both very athletic, and i'd go to his football games and support him, and we'd take pictures and my friends all wanted to me him yadda yadda yadda. as time passed though, i started to question myself. i wasn't happy. at all really. i feel weighed down, anchored. and i tried to put my tongue on what it was that was doing this to me when it suddenly became clear. it was him. and it was my fault too. he was a negative person, hardly ever optimistic, always looking at the glass as half-empty. he'd post indirect things about me on his snapchat story, and when i'd ask what was troubling him, he'd make something up and lie to me. usually, these indirects had something along the lines of "i love you, but i feel like you don't love me back". and here's the thing - it is much harder for me to tell someone that i love them than it is for me to jokingly say "i hate you". it sounds weird i know, but in my own little world, when i tell someone "oh i hate you", i'm almost always joking, and it's usually how i express that i like someone and i am comfortable enough around them to joke with them. i don't think that i've ever used the word to actually describe feelings of disliking towards someone ironically. now, he had told me a week into our "relationship" if that's what you want to call it that he "loves" me. i didn't know how to respond, so i quickly changed the topic. more time passed, and he began to make a big deal out of minuscule problems. he's mumble under his breath harsh and rude things to our teachers. this was actually shocking to me, not only because i hadn't seen this side of him, but more because the teachers he was talking about are some of the kindest teachers i've had, and if it weren't for them, i don't think i would be able to keep up with the class. when i told him quietly that he should just keep it to himself, that was when he turned against me too. i was hurt to say the least. not because i cared about him, but because i was being as polite as i could be and was instead met with the same hostility he showed our teachers. i don't get scared or intimidated by other people very easily, but he was someone who scared me, especially when he was angry. he'd get mad at me if i didn't text him within ten minutes of him sending a message to me, despite him knowing that my schedule is fairly busy. he'd get jealous seeing me hanging out with other guys - guys who i've known since kindergarten who are more like brothers to me than love interests. trying to talk things out with him was pointless.

            honestly, i don't know why i did try to resolve our problems. i was very distant. i pushed him away when he tried to get close, and i think that was because i didn't trust him. two weeks into our "relationship" he asked about sex. i'm not the kind of person to sleep with anyone at anytime. if i am going to sleep with someone, then i need to have a bond with them. him asking so early made me very uneasy, and highly uncomfortable, so i told him that i didn't want to talk about that so early on. he did respect this, and i do thank that he did. but going back to our problems. i think that it might've been stemming from both sides. i think he needed to fill some sort of emotional hole that his ex had left him, and since i gave him advice, maybe he took that as if i was interested in him. i do my best to try and not dive into relationships without having known the other for some time, in my own opinion i think that when you jump into a relationship so quickly without getting to know the other, it falls apart quickly, and in this case, i was right. it got to the point where he was so incredibly negative about almost everything, that he began to drag me down with him. i began to hate myself, i rarely posted on social media anymore, i stopped taking selfies because my self-esteem had plummeted so low because of his negativity. when i realized how this was affecting me, i turned to my friends for help, but they didn't have much to offer. the longer we "dated" the longer i'd wait to open up messages from him. it got to the point where i didn't even want to open his messages, just because it felt like a chore to open them, and i think that's when i finally decided that i needed to do something.

            well i guess he had some sort of revelation too, because he was the one that messaged me first. it was an incredibly long text message, filled with sappy, apologetic comments which i honestly don't even want to remember because again - sappy shit is a no go for me. in this same text, he told me that he was in love with me, but also suggested that we needed some time apart. that was when i replied to him saying that it was probably best if we both split ways, as i came to the conclusion that i just wasn't ready for a relationship. or maybe i was, just not with him, which is probably the case. i know myself, and i know that i am a very caring individual and despite me usually being sarcastic and constantly joking with people, i really do care for people a lot, which is honestly why i want to be an officer in the first place, because i just want to help people whether it be emotionally, physically, etc. but i am also very private with my own personal emotions and what i am going through if that makes any sense. i don't like being vulnerable, and i am much more comfortable to at least pretend to let everyone think i am okay rather than to see that i am weak. after i had told him we should separate he told me that maybe "we could work something out in the future" but i already knew that this wasn't going to happen.

            it was a little awkward the next day in class, he usually would always sit next to me. i never moved back to sit with him. many of my classmates asked what had happened and to be frank, i didn't care who knew. i told anyone who was curious. i realized that in truth i had felt nothing for him. in the beginning, maybe. but in the end, there was nothing. when i hear people talk about the people that they love, they always sound so deeply infatuated and that if they were to lose said person, they would be ruined themselves. so just by hearing other people talk about how they felt about their significant others, i knew that i didn't truly like him let alone love him. and i don't actually think that he loved me either, despite him saying it twice. he is very... childish to say the least, and with that, i don't think that he was mature enough to understand what weight the word "love" has to it.

            time passed, we didn't talk. despite being in the same class, i actually hardly saw him. however whatever sort of feelings he had for me i knew had turned into some form of hate. as that was when he began to sit in the way back of the class with his friend, talking bad about me behind my back. i'm a pretty laid-back person when it comes to rumors about myself. i will debunk them if confronted, but i let time do its thing usually and it all works out just dandy. we had presentations on serial killers the week before break, and i spent so much time into mine, i was actually extremely excited to present mine (i did aileen wuornos if you ever need any facts about her). however, someone sitting in the far back of the class was not. throughout my whole presentation, he picked at his nails,
            leans over to his friend to shoot me glances, and whisper what i can only imagine were probably harsh nicknames and rude comments. for some reason this bothered me. i tried not letting it bother me, but it did. it was to my understanding that we were at equal grounds with each other. i treat him with respect. i paid attention during his presentation (which was pretty bad, if i'm being honest).

            i didn't mention it to anyone but my friend in the class who also goes to my homeschool as we're pretty close. she told me he was probably just mad that my presentation was better than his, and i should let it go. so i did. but for some reason, he continued to do these small, petty things - just to let me know that he was still there. he'd walk in front of my desk several times for no reason,but in on conversations, i would be having with the class leaders (there's five of us, i'm the sergeant, he holds no position), and other small things like that like liking a post of mine from awhile ago, watching my snapchat stories, etc.

            for whatever reason, this began to scare me. now when it comes to size, i look pretty intimidating to some. i'm the tallest female in my class, standing at about six feet. but just his presence began to make me feel small and weak. i couldn't stand it. i still can't honestly. he is even bigger than i am, and i know that he knows this. i think he knows exactly what he's doing, and i think it's terrible.
            i haven't been diagnosed by a doctor of any sort so please don't attack me, but i do think that i have anxiety or at least a mild form of it that i think stems from my schoolwork (i'm involved in a lot of shit, gotta get those scholarships right :')) ) and just my emotions in general. if i bottle everything up or if i overwork/overthink i usually spend a night throwing up until im dry heaving by the toilet. i know that it isn't healthy and i have talked to my parents about it before, but they don't seem to understand or want to pay for a visit to the doctor/psychologist just to make sure. thankfully however, i have not had to experience any of that too much this year, as my classes are a bit easier and i dropped a couple sports to make time for other things this school year. unfortunately though, ever since this feeling of helplessness and weakness when i'm in class, it's been making a steady comeback, and i'm afraid to say that in the past week alone i did throw up for awhile in the bathroom because of him. for whatever reason, he has decided to text me nonsensical things, and i honestly can't tell if he's just trying to get a ruse out of me or if it's him trying to "work things out in the future". he actually tried again to do it today and in turn i blocked him.

            i have to see him on monday when school returns, and i have to say that the closer monday comes the sicker i feel and the more i want to break down and cry. not because i miss him. no far from that. at this point i want him out of my life. i hate these little "games" he's trying to play with me and i want them to stop.
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Black Belt
Posts: 2059
Joined: Thu Dec 21, 2017 1:53 pm
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House: Halcyon

Re: my shitty breakup

Fri Jan 05, 2018 2:29 pm

dreamshade; wrote:
Fri Jan 05, 2018 8:00 am
          • hi i've been feeling conflicted because i never got a chance to share this story to any of my friends so i guess i might as well share it here so if you like breakup stories then here's mine i guess.

    • Though I never had a situation like that happen to me, I can certainly relate to the annoyingness and anxiety of the pettiness your ex is showing. Honestly, he is just trying to get a rise out of you. I'm sure you know this, though. Anybody who decides to act on petty actions toward their ex, whether it be an ex lover, child, etc, is extremely immature. I learned this over time and have grown from it.

      It's unfortunate that you cannot get away from him, but I think the best thing you can do is honestly pretend he doesn't exist. Tell yourself that you are better than him and that he's not worth your time. Actually tell yourself this, out loud, in the mirror. It helps with anxiety. Your dry-heaving and vomiting is what happens to me during a panic attack, so I'd try and get some help for that if you can. My parents never listened to my concerns about my anxiety and depression and I ended up having to go to the doctor on my own. Mind you, I'm in Canada and it was free to go to a doctor.

      Overall it sounds like a very unfortunate situation, but by the sounds of it you've got a really good head on your shoulders and knowledge that he is not worth your time or effort. Next time you see him, ignore him, or even say "hello" and act like you're mightier than him. It'll piss him off and eventually he'll let it all go.

      Best of luck. And remember, get bitter or get better.
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White Belt
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Sat Jan 20, 2018 2:42 am

Last edited by luz on Thu Dec 13, 2018 7:18 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Bronze Belt
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Re: Relationships

Sat Jan 20, 2018 3:50 pm

      • @moonlight it sounds to me like this boy is definitely interested in you! of course, i can only judge off of what you've said and that, of course, is biased from your point of view, but it seems like he wants to get to know you in some way. i have always been the impatient sort, so when i liked a guy, i would flirt with him and try to make it obvious i liked him, but i am also shy and would never be able to make the first move when it came to asking anyone out. i would advise you to try and make the first move to interact with him. not ask him out or anything, but just go out of your way to say hi to him or ask him about his interest or something. initiating a conversation with him will show him you're interested in getting to know him. also, touching him is a great tool of body language. like, touch his arm when you greet him, or if he hasn't noticed you when you walk over, lay your hand on his shoulder for a moment to get his attention. use the class as an excuse to message him on facebook. ask him a question about an assignment you guys have that you're "confused" about, and if he continues the conversation past that, he is most definitely into you! don't get too lost in your head and try to imagine these super dramatic romantic scenarios, because that might make you too nervous. just try to be his friend and see if it goes on from there c:
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