Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

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important
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Thu Jan 24, 2019 3:26 pm

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    • t,

      it's been two years. i would have thought i'd been over it by now, but yet, here i am. maybe it's the medicine, maybe it's the pain. i always was quite nostalgic, over the good and the bad. i can't stop thinking. i don't miss it, and i don't miss you. the thing i struggle with the most is moving on. i can't help but feel like it's still my fault, even now. i don't regret leaving, no. i just feel like an idiot. i feel like what happened was me over-reacting, me asking for it, me just... being stupid. i know i shouldn't blame myself, but i still do. two years ago exactly. i broke down, and i was done. two years ago today, i got out. even though i wasn't technically free until much later in that year, it still helped to get away from you. cut you out of my life completely. you tried to crawl back. she got tired of you, threw you away, and you came crawling back to me. i am proud of myself for saying no. for turning you away. ignoring you. i think it was the smartest thing i've ever done, cutting you and all of my other abusers out of my life. hopefully this time next year, i will be over it, healed even more than i already am. i can only hope. you are the source of most of my insecurities and trust issues, but i'm slowly getting better. i'm growing as a person, and i know you'll never change.

      - i
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caligo
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Tw: death mention

Wed Feb 06, 2019 5:52 am

dear dad,

I'm having a lot of days where I miss you terribly. And since the thought of it all doesn't allow me to sleep, I supposed I'd at least talk to you somehow.

It's been almost a decade. I'm not even sure, but I think it was in april. I still remember that day very clearly. So much, I wish I could get rid of that memory.

I'm sorry I couldn't do anything, I'm sorry they couldn't do anything. I wish you could have gotten that kidney that one time when they called us, I really did, even though I was angry and told you I hated you. I don't know why I was angry, I was just a kid.

But I do know I loved you more than anything. And still do.

Just today, I remembered you in the waiting room. Mom brought you up, and we talked about how close we both were. About how we used to be partners in crime, about how I was your favorite, about your loving nature, your cooking, your love for the animals and their love for you, your over protectiveness... everything, all of the good memories.

And then it hit me once again that I miss all that so much it hurts because it never got to be that way again.

Mom and I, we argue a lot. She's never been the same ever since you had to leave. I try to help her though, I love her. But I'm worried about her and horribly scared to lose her. I wish I could do more. I promise I won't let her give up.

If you ask me about me, I'm trying. Sometimes I make lots of mistakes, and I suppose I must learn to forgive myself. But I don't give up either, I refuse to. And I'm trying to be better, it may be a long way, but I'll slowly get there. I can only hope to be half as good as you were, but wherever you are now, I aim to make you proud. Forgive me for those mistakes I did make, I'm just learning to love myself a little more.

I think you know this, but I've been through a lot ever since you left. Truth to be told, I'm not very spiritual, yet I am comfortable imagining that you were and are here at all times looking after me like some kind of guardian angel. So thank you for helping me overcome all that, I'm much better now, the doctors are proud of the progress I've had in general.

Anyways, on a happier note, I've made some new friends some time ago. They've helped me a lot and I'm finally starting to feel like I belong somewhere again. I think you'd like them, even if most of them are boys. Just like in the good old times. I've also finally chosen a career path (maybe two) and have big dreams for the future. I don't know, things could change along with time, but for now I'm excited to see where this all may lead.

Thanks for always looking after us, I love you,

Your daughter
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grim.
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Mon Feb 11, 2019 10:38 am

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  • it's three fucking am again. please don't read these & don't @ me. just let me be a mess in peace

    to the people i consider to be my friends, i guess,
    i'm sorry i never message you first. i'm sorry i don't keep in touch with you. i'm sorry that i get so overwhelmed by absolutely nothing that i just shut down and neglect to contact you for weeks, months, never again; even though i'm always floating around. it's nothing personal. probably. i never was good at sticking by others. i'm not used to people wanting me around. i'm sorry that i get scared and leave because i feel like i've worn out my welcome, that i feel like i'm annoying and you're better off without me. i'm sorry i'm so selfish and self-centered and whiny and dense. i'm sorry i don't know how to carry a conversation or even interact like a human being. i'm sorry for everything i do because i know that nothing i do is ever good enough and you all deserve better.
    sincerely, i'm sorry

    to my anxiety and paranoia,
    fuck off. why do you always show up just when i start thinking that i might be feeling better, doing better? just leave me alone, please. what did i do? did i do something wrong? why do i always feel like i did something wrong? like i messed up somewhere and everybody hates me for some reason? why do i always feel like people i don't even know or people i call my friends are talking about me behind my back? why do i want people to like me so fucking much? is it something i said? did i upset someone? is it because i'm the problem? is it because i'm too scared and anxious to regularly keep in contact with others? is it because i'm annoying? i already know i'm annoying. is it because i'm stupid? i already know that too. is it because i'm such a fucking disaster for no justifiable reason? tell me what i did wrong. why is that i get so wound up sometimes, just from this, that i get so sick i can't even eat, can't even take a sip of water without feeling like i'm gonna be sick. i'm just so queasy and nauseous and i can't sleep at night for so many reasons and it feels like something's wrong but i know that nothing's wrong. it's just? in my head? what did i do huh? tell me what the fuck i did wrong. i hate feeling like this so much. i don't know how to make it go away, please go away. i don't want you here, you've held me back so much already. please stop making my stomach drop when i read certain things, when i see a certain name. stop. stop. stop. i hate this. i can barely leave the house anymore because of you, i always take back alleys and side streets and avoid eye contact and hardly speak because of you. please please please don't ruin this for me too.
    sincerely, i'm so tired of being paranoid

    to myself,
    you can do better, you can get better. you just need time, stop being so hard on yourself. there's no shame in taking a step back from everyone and everything if that's what you need to do to get yourself together again. it's okay to stop talking to people that you don't like. it's okay to cut out toxic people. it's okay to cut out the manipulative abusive people. it's okay to scream into the void like this too if that's what it takes sometimes. it's not your fault, you can't control everything and what others think about you. you have stop thinking about the past and overthinking everything so much, it's not good for you. you need to love yourself more. i know you don't think you deserve it but you're probably a better person than you give yourself credit for. just, please take care of yourself. believe it or not, there are people out there who care about you. love yourself too, okay?
    sincerely, that tiny piece of you that knows this is fucking true
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thunderofthebun
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Tue Feb 12, 2019 3:58 am

Dear You,

Ugh. You make me feel a weird blend of "I can't possibly deserve you" and "how can someone be so particular about stupid things like how clothes are folded yet have the worst floors and horrible bathroom..."

But overall, aside from always getting a damn crick in my neck to fit on the recliner spot with you, I feel safe with you, and you are the only guy to really truly care and understand about my reputation (it sucks that this matters more for women), that I care about the presentation of my home to those who visit, manners, social cues, to never pressure me, and even to send me home at a proper hour, that first time you invited me over to make dinner and watch a movie together, since I was so into you I would've stay until the wee hours of the morning.
Happy February:

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digital witness
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Tue Feb 19, 2019 4:41 am

    • i've found myself thinking about you more often than usual as of late. they're not positive thoughts. i spent the last week plagued with dreams of you and of dad. usually they're good dreams. reminiscent. but these ones have been different. you're both different. in them, you take away the loved ones who i have left in the same fashion that you chose to end your own life. it's given me this sickly feeling... as if something terrible is looming just around the corner. it's not a pleasant feeling, but i supposed i have to feel it. i guess it'll pass. i want you to know that i'm not angry with you anymore. i hope you found what you were looking for. i'm so sorry that i wasn't a better sister to you. we both kinda fucked up in that respect, didn't we?

      i haven't stepped foot in your room in over three years. haven't even opened the door. not since the day it happened. i don't feel like i deserve to be in there. the energy that room gives off still feels so raw - so yours. god, i could literally feel your life slipping out of that room when they finally managed to pry the door open (one of dad's many damn-near indestructible "jake-proofed" construction projects lol even the cops couldn't bust it down). i remember so distinctly the rush of air that hit me even though there were no fans or vents running. i don't know. i hope you're at peace and i hope that i can find it in me to forgive myself one day. i know that that last year wasn't us. we loved each other. i just wish we would've remembered that.

      okay, i might've lied up there. i'm a still angry at the fact that you said those horrible things and got the last word by killing yourself. that's not fucking fair. siblings fight. that's the deal. we say shitty fucking things and then make it up to each other. you don't get to kill yourself before we could make amends and leave me with the guilt. i'm angrier at myself more than anything for lashing back out at you while you were so obviously hurting - but you knew exactly where to hit me where it hurt, y'know? you knew me better than anyone. you knew what would get a rise out of me. you said some shitty fucking things too.

      and you know what? i still would've done anything for you. i loved you, jacob. i still do. i hope we can forgive each other one day.
─────────────────────────────────────────────────xxxLADY LUCK, TAKE THE WHEEL
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