Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

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Brown Belt
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Tue Jun 04, 2019 5:04 am

    • Dear Self,

      Sometimes, there's just too much time to think. Ironic that the time you're busiest is also when you think too much. Too much to do, and too much time. Maybe it's the peace of living out in the wilderness, or maybe there's just nothing else to do out here. Maybe there's too many people and not enough privacy, too much noise so you have no choice but to be alone with your thoughts.

      It's time to stop ruminating. The past is in the past. It's not coming back.

      I did everything I could.
      I would have given up so much to make it all work. And I did. The amount I gave up if only to make others happy, if only to help them at the cost of self, was too often.

      There's a reason bridges burn. When they're gone, let them be. Let the water wash away the ruins until they are a memory, no longer even a scar. Don't reach out. Don't reestablish. Don't text, don't call, don't bother.
      You've given up too much already.

      Maybe distance is okay. Maybe it's okay to be an island, alone, entirely alone. Maybe it's okay to have no one to reach out to. Where help ends, growth begins. At least, that's my hypothesis. I'd prefer not to test it, but this time... I guess I have to.
      This time, its the only choice.
      No one is going to reach out to you this time. You burned those bridges already.
      And that's okay.

      Life is good and bad. Things will always get worse, things will always fall, things will always crash and burn. And you know what? If things must get worse, they must also get better. Things will get better. The mountains may be tall and the valleys deep; the road is rocky, but it'll be okay.
      Yeah, it definitely sucks when you're at the bottom of the cliffs alone, staring up at the great rise ahead.
      Yeah, it would be better to have someone with you.

      But it's okay.

      It'll be okay.

      It has to be okay.


just to make it 100% clear, nothing of this has to do with anyone on this site. I've met some of the most incredible people in my life through this site, and I'm grateful for every minute I've spent here.
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Tue Jun 04, 2019 9:41 am

    • n & r,

      i suppose it's difficult to see things like that until you're able to take a step back from the situation and look at it from an outside angle. it didn't really hit me until i was staring at the words on the paper, wondering how the hell i wasn't able to see it back then. you took advantage of me. i was in such a weak state, and you exploited that. i finally thought i was free, but instead you allowed me to go from one abusive household to the next -- yours. and i... i don't hate you, even still. i am angry that you did it. i am upset that you, n, let it happen. but i do not hate you. r, however? fuck you. you didn't just let it happen, you were the one doing it to me. i can blame all my setbacks on your behaviour. whatever you're trying to find at the bottom of the bottle, i hope it ends you. i have no love for you, and i don't know how she does either. she deserves so much better than you. you both hurt me, and i want to tell you that so damn bad, but i don't think i ever will get the chance to.

      - a name you refuse to call me
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White Belt
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Tue Jun 11, 2019 5:06 am

    • its been over two years and some days i still struggle. its been two years since i managed to get the courage to finally leave you behind but you still fucking haunt me. its been two years and i still can't look at myself in the mirror some days. its been two years and i still can't open up to anyone. its been two years and i still can't stop apologizing for everything i do.
      i want to feel like myself again.
      i'm so tired of feeling like this.
      just go away.
Orange Belt
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Sun Jun 16, 2019 3:52 am

    • you,

      i don’t even know how long it’s been since the last time we talked. about four years maybe? you broke my heart into pieces and i still find myself thinking about what i did wrong and what would have happened if you had came back to me. but the more i think about it the more i see what a terrible person you were to take advantage of me. by then end i was just being used for sex. i wasted nine months loving you. another four wasted of being dragged along, being told i still love you while you slept with some other girl. i was always your second choice.

      i can still feel you, you know.. i can still feel your hands, hugs, kisses. your energy. fuck it just fucks me up knowing that it was all fake in the end. i know that it was. i know you got bored of me. that hurts. i was just an object after a while. i wasn’t a person. my feelings didn’t matter to you. that’s why you slept with her right? you wanted to when you actually loved me, too. in fact you told me that. but me being a little lost puppy, i didn’t see the red flags. you shamed me for liking the things that i did. told me it was disgusting. i cried a lot that night.

      dude you really fucked me up. once i was free from you and i knew it was truly over, it was the worst pain i had ever felt. not just because you left me. it was because all i did was love you and stay faithful. you literally torn my heart out of my chest. i was eighteen and you were my first serious relationship. you took everything from me. you were a first for a lot of things. i felt betrayed and alone. i felt like i wasn’t enough to keep around.

      but hey! three more years and i will have a body that has never touched you. i’m now happy where i am and happy that i will finally be cleansed of you. i’m happy with the man i’m gonna marry. he actually cares about me.

      i hope you are satisfied. i really do. i really do hope you changed, too. hopefully your ego has deflated.. maybe we could talk again? or i could get everything off my chest and finally be completely done with you. whatever happens, i want you have a good life but i want karma to get you for everything you have done to me.

      after everything, i still want you to go fuck yourself. have a wonderful life.

      -me. i still have so much hatred for you. no more tears though. fuck that.
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White Belt
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Fri Jul 05, 2019 2:12 am

    • to —,
      if i had known that was the last time you were going to say that you loved me, i would’ve said it back.
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Fri Jul 12, 2019 12:40 pm

    • you won't ever see this, because you can't read. i feel like i'm not even allowed to do something like this, but my heart is breaking all over again every time i look up at the wall. seeing your happy little face, those chubby baby cheeks. the light in your eyes.

      then seeing you like you are, now. your eyes pleading with us. i think you understand what's going on. you're a smart little boy, always have been. intuitive and forever listening, your little head tilting to our words.

      you are absolutely amazing. emily's little brother, mum's little boy.

      you've fought so, so, so hard these last eighteen months. all of the vets are astonished that you're still even here with us. i think you're holding on for emily and mum, because you know how much this is going to hurt them. you don't have to hold on. you can let go, baby boy. i know things are getting harder and harder for you. i know that we're going to have to make a decision sooner than we ever thought we'd have to.

      i just hope it's not today. please, gizzy, please hold on for us until sunday.

      emily needs sunday. mum needs sunday. i need sunday. i know you're strong. just two more days, please?
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Yellow Belt
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House: Vipera

Sun Jul 14, 2019 8:14 am

    • i've been bouncing back-and-forth with this idea in my head since your relationship ended. we had it great when it was good, and frustrating when it wasn’t. we done everything right just for it to crumble — not all at once but slowly, painfully. i want to take the blame for it all even though, i’m still not sure it was entirely my fault but a collaborative lack of understanding and effort. i do, however, take the blame on myself because i was the one who detached. i became too in my head and that thickened the wall between us which ... already created its own problems during the early stages of our downfall.

      but, here i am again. we are friends like we never missed a beat. here i am again, thinking about you in ways which isn’t so terrible. i don’t want what i did before, the physical aspect — i mean, yes of course i don’t want the distance but i focused too much on a physical connection, that i failed to realize i needed — we both — needed to work on a emotional, communicative connection.

      i .. think (?) i still love you. i’m not sure yet only because i am afraid to feel trapped. to ... not feel free. i like to feel secure and you give me that. god, the way i can just be myself without judgement, without fear is so freeing. but, the fear... the fear of hurting you, of dissociating so hard that i scare myself because i went too far that i didn’t even know who i was ... that scares me. it wasn’t healthy. i was at a confusing, lost point in my life when we met and though we both have grown, and though i am open to trying again, i am scared of returning.

      maybe it’s a sign. maybe we shouldn’t but not being open about what i feel has never been a thing we didn’t do, even if it never had a conclusion. so, here i am, struggling over these feelings and struggling over if i should tell you.

      the worst thing you, anyone, could say is no so what am i waiting for?
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Black Belt
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Fri Jul 19, 2019 7:04 pm

dear m,

i'm so sorry. these past two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster, but i hope you're at peace now. you may not be my aunt but you're the aunt i wish i'd had growing up. you've been nothing but a positive influence in my and other peoples' lives, and i hope that wherever you are now you're no longer in pain. i just wish i could've been there for you at the end

rest in peace auntie xx
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