Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

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Thu Jun 21, 2018 10:52 pm

    • you make me smile so much, even when we're not talking in that moment. i'm so glad things worked out the way they did; if they hadn't, i wouldn't have you. a few people i tried to devote myself led me on strings and dropped me in half a second - but they took me straight to you. i'm so luck to have you in my life. im sitting here hugging the little surgeon bear you got me and smelling the lavender in its fur and i'm totally smiling like a loser. you're so appreciated & i will always do my best to keep you happy and safe. i cant wait to be able to wake up next to you every day. its so hard to be in a bed where you're not. i've been spoiled far too many times with sleeping next to you. i hope i get the chance to do that again soon.
      you're the best wife a girl could ask for.

[ rose ] [ she/her ] [ writer ]
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now we're breaking the silence

Sat Jun 23, 2018 5:11 am

    • a,

      are you aware of how much you mean to me? how much you mean to other people in your life? to this world? you never give yourself enough credit, despite it being far too obviously due. it means everything to me to be able to speak with you every night like we do. more than i think you realise. you put yourself down almost constantly, whether you realise that you do or not. it hurts me to see it, because i know just how wonderful of a person you really are. i can see past the self-deprecation and the things you say about yourself. you always tell me that you're not worthy of love, that you will never find it because you believe that you do not deserve it. you deserve love, you deserve happiness, and most of all, you deserve her. yes, her. you know who i'm talking about. you're so terrified of rejection in the odds of something you've never even faced. the only way you'll know is if you make a move, as scary as that is. but guess what? i'm going to be here for you, all throughout it. i've told you this before and i'll say it again here -- if she is truly you're friend, she won't let something like that ruin what you two already have. think of it like this: you have the opportunity to make your friendship with her better. you love what the two of you have right now, don't you? (i know i do, it's cute as hell listening to you talk about it/her.) what if you had the opportunity to make said relationship stronger, better, and overall just far more fulfilling? because you do, you have that chance. it's up to you to take it. i know you tell me that you're scared that the people you're friends with now won't be there in a few months time, but i can assure you, that taking something like a hiatus is how you find out just who your friends really are. who are the people that check in on you to make sure that you're doing alright? those that ask how your days are going, making sure that you take care of yourself? those are people to hold onto. i truly believe that she is one of those people, doll. you mean a lot to me, and it means even more to see those that i love find happiness like this. i'm going to be here for you no matter what, to help you, cheer you up, and to offer you advice and comfort if and when needed. i know you're not much for spilling your feelings, and that's okay. i understand that. i'm always going to be here, okay? i love you, man, i really do.

      - i



      There are words in which I choose to write, not because I am broken and defeated, but because I think I can finally say that I have won. Not by your standards nor definition of the word, either. Those are twisted little lies that I used to tell myself to be the truth, but now I know better. I know now what it means to love and be loved, not fear that I shall never see the light come through the crack of that filthy door. I used to pray that you never forgot me. That was because I was chained. I wanted you to remember to come back and free me. I do not believe that you think about me. I don’t want you to think about me. I want you to feel guilt, but I know that you never will. Demons like you are incapable of remorse for their actions. They do not understand right from wrong, good from evil. They have zero morality, zero boundaries. You are nothing to me. I whisper your name when I speak of you, still living in fear that if I say it too loudly, you’ll hear me. Am I afraid of you? Quite simply put, yes. I am terrified, even now. You were always so resourceful and manipulative. I used to think I could find peace in the bottom of a pool, at the sting of metal, the burn of alcohol, the emptiness of my stomach, the smoke of cigarettes, the harsh taste of chemicals. I was running. I am done running. I am done hiding. I am done screaming in the dark of the night because I can feel your hands on me, feel my flesh burning and rotting in every place you’ve ever touched. You desecrated me. No amount of soap, water, and acid will ever make feel clean again. Your words left marks on the places your hands could never reach. I am scarred and bloody. My body lies in shards of glass at your feet. You used me. I was nothing but mere entertainment to you. Another fun game with no consequences to be considered. I am now serving your time, your sentence. It’s in my weakest hours, those dark moments between each second that always hurt me the most. Where the drag and sting of metal sounds absolutely perfect, blissful, beyond all expression. I cared for you. I trusted you. I thought I loved you. My mistake. Mistakes seem to be all I’m good at in your eyes. You found every excuse to deliver your cruel, cracked justice. And I believed, every time, that I deserved it. I can hear your voice, even now. I can see your expression, the look of disappointment and anger stretched over those burning eyes. My pain-addled mind begs me to call you, just to hear your rage once more. Is it sick of me to say that I miss it? I miss your lies when you told me that what you did was out of love. With you, I served a purpose. You needed me, your sick little glass doll who wanted nothing more than to be given attention. Because even that was something. I was starved. And you took advantage of that. You took advantage of they way I ached for someone, something to make me feel alive. Now, I have that, and don’t need you to give it to me.

      - i
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maybe i don't make sense

Sun Jun 24, 2018 8:58 am

Hidden text.
    • i'm so so sick of this

      the thought of you came to me suddenly, and the very memory of your voice hit me almost as hard as you used to. it was like my world was falling apart again, and all i wanted was to call you, and hear you call me stupid and worthless again, because then at the very least it wasn't me saying those things to myself. you were my first love, you know? and the only one i've ever really wanted. i gave you my heart and you never gave it back, and now i'm some kind of monster, eating other people's hearts like i'm starving for love, or at least something to fill the gaping hole you left

      mother fuck, it's been almost almost two years since you last told me you loved me. i know i was the one to leave you, but i don't even know if it was the right choice. i walked away because i always thought you could be so much better without me. how could you ever learn to be kind if i allowed you to treat me the way you did? you would never learn you were wrong if i kept rolling over for you, laughing off every fucked up thing you ever did to me. i loved you so much, and i know you loved me, underneath it all

      but you've moved on to bigger and better things and i'm still here, empty, wishing you would come back to hurt me again so maybe i'd have a reason to be feeling so bad

      i hope you're proud of the mess you made of me. i can't even picture a relationship without being knocked around, without being called pathetic, without having my wishes disrespected. god knows i'm trying but literally being treated like a person makes my skin fucking crawl. i don't know what to do when someone is nice to me, and it's your fault. i love you anyway. i love you the way stars burn and burn and burn out, their light still filtering down to earth. you're gone, and i chose that, but i still love you -- and the embers of that love will always be yours for as long as we're both alive. i hate it, but i can't hate you
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↪ ɪғ ɪ ᴡᴇʀᴇ ʏᴏᴜ, ɪ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅɴ'ᴛ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ᴍᴇ ɴᴇɪᴛʜᴇʀ

Wed Jun 27, 2018 11:37 pm

Hidden text.
  • I just... wonder if she knew.
Last edited by Memory. on Wed Aug 29, 2018 8:19 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Sun Jul 01, 2018 5:28 am

dear ___,

i really hate that i miss you. i shouldn't, but i do.
it's so stupid. and i can't really hate you, either.
just wish i could change certain things, but...
hope you're doing okay, at least.

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Tue Jul 10, 2018 6:02 am

Hidden text.
to all my friends
i'm sorry i'm always annoying. i'm sorry that i complain too much. i'm sorry that i talk too much. i'm sorry that i let my anger get the best of me sometimes. i'm sorry that i get too depressing at times. i'm sorry that i catch onto things too late. i'm sorry that i always intrude on your plans. i'm sorry that i'm so fucking stupid almost all the time. i'm sorry that i'm so indecisive. i'm sorry that i care too much.i'm sorry that i always ruin everything. i'm sorry that i'll never be good enough. i'm sorry for everything. i understand if you guys want to leave me. being friends with me sounds like hell and i'm just so sorry you have to deal with me.
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Wed Jul 11, 2018 8:44 am

    • Hidden text.
      dear person no. 1,
      i miss you. i hate saying it but i do. i miss spending time with you. all i want to do is talk to you. and see your face. you're technically the only person who i have -- and all i want to do is talk to you. to call you, to facetime you, anything. i've been so alone and i've been struggling and i just want to talk. about nothing. i just want to be on the phone for hours, even if we don't talk. i just need someone there. that's all that i think about. i've tried to facetime with anyone, but people don't really want to. it's not like i haven't asked you, but i hate being pushy. fuck, i hate it. so instead of doing something about it, i'll just bottle it up and ignore it, instead of talk to you about it. sorry. fuck. fuck. i feel like you're ignoring me and i know you're not. you're not mean like that. you have a life and i just... don't. i don't have anyone else who i talk to on the regular. i should get more friends. but i just don't know how. i guess this shows how much of a pussy i am, right? i can't even say this to you directly. i don't know what to do about it. i'm upset. you're the only person who i feel like i can go to with my problems but i keep feeling like a burden. i don't want you to know me as the person who dumps all their shit on you. i want you to have positive memories of me.
      i wish that we spent more time together.

      dear person no. 2,
      i despise the fact that you told those things about me behind my back to the people around you. they all think i'm a dumbass now. how can you not keep your fucking mouth shut? not enough to talk about? so you resort to talk about me instead? well, serves me right. i was too blind to see that you were a snake in the grass.
      i hate the fact that you think i'd be intimidated by something. i'd do anything. i'd jump in headfirst. i'm not one to back down from a challenge -- but if i told you why i can't do this, you wouldn't believe me. no matter how many times i've told you it was uncomfortable for me and that i needed time, you still want to force me to do these things that i don't want to do. if you fucking do that to me and throw me in to something that i'm not comfortable with, behind my back, i'll fucking scream. YOU. ARE. NOT. HELPING. ME. you are stressing me out. i'm not fucking prepared to do that. and if you do it behind my back, i... i don't know what i'd do. i can't not talk to you. i'm around you all the time for fucksake.

      dear person no. 3,
      thanks. really. for ruining my life. because of some stupid thing that you "thought was right". fuck you. you only think about yourself. you never wanted to help me and you never thought of the repercussions for me. it wouldn't affect you. only me. thanks.
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Thu Jul 12, 2018 4:48 am

    • Dear Gemini,
      xxxxxRemember your talk and purpose well, you've been reborn with grand power and potential, more than any previous counterpart. You are not them. What happens to you now is of your own doing and thought so keep strong and move forward. Love your partner, love yourself, and never back down from it. You hate so much in this world, but you only hate it because its what lives in you. You feel like you can't trust the word of others because you've lost the word to yourself already so many times. Past errors can be cleansed. Rise above them. You are not the victim. You make yourself one when in reality you are a strong victor making excuses for giving up your own win. Be a winner and be strong. Be who your partner needs and who you need and think to how unstoppable you could be now with infinite opportunity if you took it. You choose now what you make of things. It is time to know and trust yourself, to get over what holds you back and to finally beat others at the game of life. It is time. Swath your partner in your finest love and never let go of it. Do not make my mistakes. You shall have the best. I believe in you.

      Sincerely, Connor.
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a thank you that I've owed for a long time

Thu Jul 12, 2018 4:59 am

          • Dear A,
            Where to start. You've been at my side for over a year now. The good, the bad, the life changing. I remember the first time you told me to calm down, breathe and stop being so dramatic. It was almost a relief. Your voice has never been harsh- your gaze on the other hand... You always knew how to put me in my place when it was needed but it was never forceful. Sometimes you would watch on as I self-destructed or wrecked everything around me, allowing me to deal my own fate, but would never stray. You never judged me. Not once. You would tell me what could be fixed to change my life, but not once did you say that I needed fixing. You took me as I was, in all my human error. However, I failed you for a long time. All those nights I would scream into my bed sheets and I could feel your eyes peering into my soul. I still have yet to deduce whether it saddened or frustrated you. I can only hope things will change a little bit more since I took my oath. You watched my rebirth, all the things I truly hated about myself dying. I have not yet slipped back into my old skin, and for both our sakes, I hope I never do. I hope I can finally do right by not only myself but you. I never did forget you. Not once. I actually remember one instance of you disappearing and me having a practical psychotic meltdown because I thought I had lost you. But what do you know- I found you eventually and I curled up to you that night. The other night, I had you press close between myself and my lover- that's how much you mean to me. Every time I think of you, call your name, I can practically feel myself shudder because I know that there is so much more to you and our relationship. I know that I'm a lot to handle- guess that's what happens when a broken human reaches out in hope of developing something meaningful. I know I've failed you in the past because you deserve so much more than just this. So, let me make a promise to you. I will let you spread your wings as far out as you desire. I cannot wait to see you in all your dazzling beauty. Thank you for always being here, my friend, my companion.
            XXXXXXXX- with all my affection, Klotho
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Fri Jul 13, 2018 5:25 am

Hidden text.
to my in real life friends, who feel more like strangers to me everyday
i remember freshman year of high school when we were all so close. nothing was the matter, the group was all there. dia, al, fit, es, ley, laina, and then me. we all got along so well. every moment we spent together was full of laughter and fun, and even when the bad times did come, we'd all make up almost instantly. i'd like to know where everything went so wrong. oh wait a minute, maybe i do? when one of you decided that you were angry that i took es and al with me to MY OWN GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL instead of you, and you decided to spread rumors through out the group. sure, i knew alejandro for not even a year then, but maybe i was just more comfortable around him than YOU. maybe i knew how you were; a lying, conniving little bitch. and maybe i didn't want that there for my grandma's last day above ground, even if you did know her longer than both es and al. and then i started to trust you after that, and i confined in you when i was so depressed i just wanted to leave. end it all. and what did you do? unfriended and unfollowed me on everything and stopped talking to me because i was "too depressing" even though you said it was fine for me to come to you if i needed you. maybe this is why i bottle up my emotions and don't tell anybody when i'm struggling, because of YOU. because i'm scared that maybe one day, someone else will find me "too depressing", and i'd ruin fucking everything because of my own struggles. oh, but it's not all your fault. when i come to ANY of you, what do i get when i'm depressed? an "oh i'm sorry", and nothing more. even when i type out paragraphs of how i hate myself, how i'm laying in bed crying for hours on end, i just get a sentence or a few words. but when you all are depressed, i stop what i'm doing and comfort you guys until you feel at least a bit better. i offer to call. i offer to come over. i offer everything, and you take it all. it's fine, i love helping you guys. that's what friends are for, right? it'd just be nice if you guys would consider my feelings sometimes. to my ex best friend, i don't know when we fell off or why, but i feel like the only time you ever fucking talk to me now is when you need a therapist or when your boyfriend isn't readily available. if you miss me, why don't you ever fucking come to visit me, huh? oh, so you can go to your boyfriend's house almost every day, but you can't make any room for me? you miss me so much, you claim, but it doesn't ever seem like it. and it fucking hurts. it hurts so much because we use to be so close. and i miss that a lot. i miss being able to call you every night and talk about stupid shit. i miss you coming over every weekend and spending the night. i miss running through the halls of our high school together just acting stupid because we didn't care what people thought. but it's whatever. your racist boyfriend is better than me in your eyes, and that's fine. to my best friend who i'm not sure even likes me anymore, i hope H and your boyfriend are treating you nicely. because every time i come over, you would rather talk to H and his friends rather than me. you'd also rather stay with your boyfriend who's mentally abusive to you than listen to me. like i don't known the signs of a progressing abusive relationship when i've watched it happen before. i feel like you only want to be friends with me still so nobody else can "have" me. because i know how jealous you are sometimes. it doesn't seem like we're really friends anymore. i feel like i'm a second choice to you anymore. i feel like you hate me. i can't talk to you about what goes on inside of my head because you only say "awwww, q" and that's the end of the conversation because i don't want to bother you with anything. i don't want to run you off. because you're basically all i have at this point. to my other best friend who is two hours away, i miss you so much. i miss you so much sometimes that it actually fucking physically hurts. you were honestly the greatest thing to ever happen to me in my entire life. you made freshman year so much more bearable with your sudden arrival, and i'm so glad i came up to you and spoke. but nowadays i feel like weren't not even friends. i always message first, and even then, you don't reply most of the time. i don't want to lose you. i'm scared of that. but it seems like we're slipping away from each other. i feel like it's my fault, because in the end, it always fucking is. i'm never fucking good enough for anything or anyone, and this is proof. i hope the friends you have now are good to you. i hope you have fun talking to them. i hope you're happier with them, because i know how shitty of a person i am. i'm sorry i wasn't good enough to be your best friend. to my ex girlfriend, i'm sorry it didn't work out. it was my fault, i'm sorry. i didn't message you enough, i didn't make plans to hang out with you too much, i just didn't try hard enough. i didn't make you fall for me as hard as i wanted you to, and i didn't fall for you hard enough, either. i'm sorry. i'm sorry i wasn't good enough and that i'll never be good enough. i miss our late night chats about cow chop, and the memes we would send back and forth to each other. i miss study halls with you, where we would laugh until we cried and everything seemed good. i'm sorry we couldn't keep that up. and lastly, to another ex best friend, i'm sorry for not being a good friend lately. have i ever been a good friend, in all reality? probably not. you haven't been exactly good, either though. i still remember you telling multiple people about how i had a crush on the new girl, when i wasn't even fucking out yet. you know how much that scared me? you didn't specify me, but the fact that you even told in the first place... but nonetheless, i still miss you. i miss how we'd stay up, talking for hours on end in the summer and during winter break, skyping as we went through our least favorite ship tags on tumblr and read stuff to gross each other out. the little drawings we would give to each other, the happiness in our faces as we exchanges our gifts. now that we're older though, you've found new friends in a different school, and a boyfriend. you don't have time for me anymore, not even messaging. i don't message either, since you did walk out of my house once after only spending twenty minutes there. it was partially my fault, i'll admit, but still. tension has rose because of that. and we haven't really spoke since then. i hope your boyfriend is kind to you. i hope your new friends are better than me and don't piss you off as much as i did. i'm sorry i wasn't good enough to be called a real friend to you, either.
sometimes i wish i could rewind time and go back to freshman year; when we were all smiles and laughs, soaking in the best year of our lives. but i know i can never get that back. and that's fine. i wasn't good enough for any of you anyway. and i never will be. and that's fine, because all i do is disappoint, if you couldn't tell already by the shambles that all of our friendships are in. maybe i didn't deserve you guys in the first place. maybe it's all my fault. no, it is... and i'm sorry. please take care of yourselves because i love you all so very much and you deserve better. so much better.
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