Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Mon Jul 16, 2018 6:58 pm

Drug and suicide warming.
  • Dear boop,
    My brother. My boop. My closest friend. I knew, we all knew, everybody knew. We all knew you were struggling with demons. You had to pay child support to that women, you had to worry about paying off your fines, you worried about your std and then you got a dui, and it wasn’t alcohol. Everybody knew you were a user. We tried to get you help in the past but you refused. You didn’t want it. You said you could get clean on your own. Heroin users can’t get clean by themselves. Over time you need more and more, and it will consume you. It did, consume you. You felt you had nobody, but you actually had everybody. Instead you took the easy way out, but you made it more difficult for everybody else. Why. You always came to me, for everything. Why didn’t you come to me now? Why did you think you were alone when all you had to do was call me. Come see me. Anything. I wish I would’ve gotten to see you one last time before you wrote your note. Before you laid down for the last time. Before you closed your eyes knowing you would never open them again. I miss you Damian. I miss my boop. My wonderful, kind, caring brother, that I will never see again. I will never hear your voice or your laugh again. Your laugh was infectious. You could make anybody laugh. You were such a kind person but your demons took control. I’m slightly relieved to know that you’re in a better place now. Your demons are gone and you are finally at peace. I just wish you wouldn’t have left your two young boys here alone. Me alone.. our mom. We found out on her birthday. Your death rocked her to the core. She doesn’t know how to accept that you’re gone. I wish you were still here boop. You were my best friend.. I could always ask you questions and you would never judge me for them.
    I could write a book about you Damian. But my eyes are so blurry it’s getting hard to see my keyboard. I want you to know, we all love you. Mom, Gram, Tina, me, lily, and your two little boys. I know you will fade from their memory but we will keep you alive in them for as long as we possibly can.
    We will get a proper goodbye on Thursday. I can’t promise that I won’t cry, because you know that I will. Until we meet again boop.
    See you, love you, bye.
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Tue Jul 24, 2018 1:10 am

Hidden text.
  • dear dad,

    if you're doing what i think you're doing, again, i really fucking hate you. i don't think you know i know about the last time, or if anything, you have a suspicion that i know. it is absolute, pure fucking bullshit if you're pulling this shit again and i wish i could call you out on it. i wish i could. and of course, you're being even more careful about it because you were caught the last time. i feel sick thinking about the fact that you've possibly started up again and all i can do is remember how bad that time was. fuck you if you're actually starting up again.

    your daughter
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Sun Jul 29, 2018 9:04 pm

Hidden text.
I wish you could believe us,
realize that the words we tell you are not false hope.
It pains me to see you like this.
Once you were so strong, but now you are falling.
While you are busy climbing back up, it is scary to see you this afraid of the unknown.
I've been telling you that things will be okay.
That I will be at your side the whole way, amongst others.

Please do not feel like a burden, because you are anything but.
It is your happiness I care about, and I will do whatever needed.
I'm sorry that at times things become too much for me.
I'm sorry that at times I have a flight response.
It is just, that it hurts me so damn much to see you like this.

Please, remember. Please, realize.
It's gonna be okay.
We will work this out.
Together, as we are supposed to be.

Don't give up,
Don't give up the fight before it started because you are afraid to lose.
That's how you will end up losing, and I don't want that.

I love you.
I'm here for you.
We'll be okay. We've been through so much.
This hurdle we can beat too.
I promise.

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Time To Say Good Bye

Tue Jul 31, 2018 7:44 am

Image xx
*(Don't read this if sensitive material makes you uncomfortable.Don't pm me about this. Let me breathe.)
This has been clipped/removed.
Last edited by angelofwarfare on Thu Sep 06, 2018 4:06 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Tue Jul 31, 2018 8:13 am

Hidden text.

  • i don't know why i wrote this, maybe it's just inspo from seeing a picture too relatable after scrolling on twt for a while: “i don’t know if we’re not friends anymore because we haven’t talked in a month and at this point im too afraid to ask if we still are or if it’s my fault for not trying harder” combined with the anxiety that just kept growing because i never tried to say anything and im really sad over the fact that i suck at being a friend and that i've realized all i've been was a greedy bitch this entire time but,, it's night and ive been left to my own devices and fallen to patrick star level of thought

    i'm really sorry. i'm sorry i couldn't keep contact with you, i'm sorry that i suck at conversations and responding to things that should be so easy to just read and send a quick reply to. i don't know what's been getting to me, making it so hard to send a nice message asking how you've been, but every single time i looked at the empty message box it was just a painful reminder that i really didn't deserve the people i talked with and once laughed for hours or minutes with. i treasured every single time i saw the notification, i loved being able to laugh and smile over something you sent, i felt giddy every single time i made others laugh.

    i'm sorry i made empty promises, that i faked myself as someone that would be a good friend. i never truly was a good friend now that i think about it, i must have been someone really hard to talk to actually. i honestly can't rememeber if i even made anyone happy, i wish i did and i hope that there's at least one message you can look back on as a fond memory, but i really don't deserve to take up precious room in your hearts or minds. i'm sorry i was so selfish and flawed, speaking only when interested, wanting to show off something cool or just what i thought was relevant to not your interest, but my own. looking back, i really was never a good friend.

    i wish i could reach out, ask casually how was your day, and once again greet you hoping that you had a good day but i know we all left off on awkward notes. i suppose it's fot the best, my words probably being something that would hurt instead but i sincerely hope you all have someone in your life that wishes you're having a good day, and that they can be someome that is able to listen and comfort you when all you can think of is how lonely the night is. i'm sorry i didn' do a lot if any of that. i really wanted to be brave, but at the fear that i was only annoying and clingy, i feigned away from doing anything to try and bring us to terms. i left us all off on just disappointment i guess, but i really hope it provides you with a lot of freedom, that you won't feel pressured to act happy just because i sent you a message hoping you were or something of your interest that i thought would make you happy when really i should've listened. thank you for being there for me, thank you for being someone i was able to smile and laugh with, thank you for showing me songs and music that i never heard, thank you for making me strive to think more and extend my knowledge for, thank you for being you and existing, i'm so glad i was able to meet you. i'm sorry i never tried so hard, i really wish we could've left off on better notes rather than a killing silence that probably left both of us disappointed. i wish i tried harder.
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Tue Aug 07, 2018 6:19 am

Hidden text.
dear ___,

i'm sorry that you're suffering so much. i really hate seeing it. i hate seeing you cry. it makes me cry and now that i'm sitting alone, i can't stop crying because i feel so bad. i want to do something, but i don't know what. i don't think there's really anything i can do except be there and listen. and offer support. i hate that you feel so hopeless. i hate that you're depressed and there's nothing that can really be done for it. i'm sorry for the times i lose my patience and for the times i get offended, even when you're just joking or saying something that's supposed to benefit me. i'm sorry that i make you think twice about whether or not you should say something to me or not.

i know you say that all that i can do and all that you want me to do is study and do well. get settled with a good, stable job so that i can support myself. but i want to do something for you now. i want you to feel better. i don't want you to be lonely. i hate thinking about it. i think about the future sometimes and i wonder what you'll do once i'm gone. forget about my brother, he's pretty much gone anyways. he's never around. he spends all his time upstairs, playing his games. and he's so fucking rude. to you and me. i want you to make friends and have hobbies and find things to pass your time with, other than sitting at home and watching tv. i know you don't feel like it and i know you don't have any motivation for anything or any interest in anything, but...you should. you should splurge a little. if you'd let me, i'd spend the money for you. i have it saved up and i know you hate when i say that.

i just...wish i could do something. i wish i could take back that year everything went to shit with him. i wish i could take away all those bitter, hurtful memories. i wish i could take back all the hurtful things he's said, the things he's implied and accused you of through those implications.

you're not a bad person. you say that you're probably are because everyone seems to dislike you, but you're not a bad person. you do everything you can for everyone, even if you don't particularly like them. you try so much and i don't blame you for being tired and giving up. but even then, you don't fully give up. i wish people would see that.
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Sat Aug 11, 2018 11:51 pm

    • Hidden text.
      this is just to me, or rather- the present me.
      i know this vacation is a bust, i know, but it’s almost over. you won’t be made fun of anymore about your hair that you were so proud of, nor will you be teased until earth’s end. it won’t hurt when we leave early monday morning. you’ll get to fly home, and just rest... write... and relax.
      you won’t have to sit in a room and fester with awful, awful emotions anymore. just take a deep breath and relax.
      you’ll be home soon, and if you break down (somehow and someway) just remember that there’s a tomorrow! it’ll be a new day with new experiences. just breathe hun.

      yourself??? maybe someone better.
[ ‘゚⌖. ⊱ 𝐓𝐎𝐔𝐂𝐇 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐊𝐘 ━━ ]
madi/madison — she/her — 5w6
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Sun Aug 12, 2018 10:22 pm

Hidden text.
  • to "bad place" me,

    the completely unexpected ones that come out of nowhere are always the worst, i know. i suppose you could have taken your unwillingness to talk to pretty much anyone as of late as a sign, or the fact that you've been sleeping more and more without ever feeling rested, but i know, it's hard to really see them as proper signs that it's getting bad. after all, we are a procrastinating piece of garbage most of the time, and other than "being lazy", there really wasn't anything that pointed towards it getting bad again.

    but, here we are, with this hint of sadness that we figured was an actual sign that it's getting bad... getting worse and worse with every word we type. i know it fucking hurts. but it's a bit different. it's getting very bad very fast, but somehow, this tiny voice of reason, me, i'm still here. despite the fact that our chest hurts, despite the fact that we're nauseous and about ready to throw up, despite the fact that we're barely chocking back tears, despite the fact that we're struggling to even breathe, i'm still here.

    i know we want someone to talk to. someone who will just let us rest our head in their lap, someone who will just sit there for hours while we cry or sleep or just stare off into space. but telling our friends we're not okay, and actually asking them for help are two entirely different things, i know.

    yet i can tell you that it's gonna be okay, eventually. just try to get back out of the darkness. it's bad now, but it's gonna be better again. do what you have to. cry until your eyes burn and your head hurts. listen to that edgy, shitty music. try to limit your social interactions so you don't burn out completely. hug dreamy for an hour. wear that damn rubber band around the wrist, in case it get's bad bad. most importantly, take care of yourself first. gods know we always want to make sure everyone else is okay, but we can't do that if we don't get better first. if there's one thing we both know, it's that the "everyone else is more important" route is just going to ruin us within a few days at most.

    just take it easy. you're important. you're loved. just like good place me - good place us. you have so many reasons to fight this.


    your own voice of reason
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Tue Aug 14, 2018 11:08 pm

To my grandparents,

I am sorry that I am not who you wanted me to be. I am sorry that I have a disability that limits my ability to do the things you would like me to do. I am sorry I depend on a service dog, and that he embarrasses you. I am sorry that you are embarrassed to take me out in public, because I have a service dog. All I have ever wanted was for you to treat me like the rest of the family. For you to understand the struggle I go through on a daily basis. I wish you could be in my shoes and understand my pain, the agony, the humiliation that I go through. I try my best, and it seems like it still isn't good enough for you. All I have ever wanted was for you to be proud of me, to love me like you love your other grandchildren. To invite me to your house, watch movies with me, go swimming with me like you do with everyone else. My entire life I grew up trying to win your love over, to show you that I am worth it. I pushed myself into social settings that I never felt comfortable being in. I apologize that my anxiety is so bad that I don't have the nerve to tell you all this stuff. You say you love me, but I highly doubt it. You don't call me, you don't ask how I am doing. The only time I hear from you is when you like something I post on facebook. You didn't call me, text me or even send me a card on my birthday this year. Why? Why is my cousin Riley more important than me? Why does he get all of your love? Why does he get to spend time with you? Why do you go to his basketball games, his graduations, his birthdays. But you never went to any of mine. I am finally done. I have given up. I love you guys deeply, and I always will. Nothing will ever change that. But I am tired of trying to win over your love when there is nothing I can do. I hope one day you guys will see where I am coming from. You will accept me for who I am, and you will see that I am trying my best. I didn't choose to have a disability. It hurts me when you tell me that I am physically fine. I am sure to you I look fine from the outside. My disability is invisible though, and you should know that. You have known that. Sometimes I feel like you have given up on loving me, and there are so many days I feel like giving up on loving you back. I hope that you are proud that I have a full time job, that I have a degree, that I am continuing to learn and get another degree. I hope that one day I will make you proud and that you will finally accept me.
Until then, I will no longer visit. I will no longer try to contact you, because you don't contact me back. I am done trying with you.
𝓞𝓱𝓪𝓷𝓪 𝓜𝓮𝓪𝓷𝓼 𝓕𝓪𝓶𝓲𝓵𝔂
𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓯𝓪𝓶𝓲𝓵𝔂 𝓶𝓮𝓪𝓷𝓼
𝓷𝓸𝓫𝓸𝓭𝔂 𝓰𝓮𝓽𝓼 𝓵𝓮𝓯𝓽 𝓫𝓮𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓭 𝓸𝓻
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♚ Ren
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Mon Aug 27, 2018 3:35 pm

Hidden text.
Today would have been your birthday.
XD I think of everyone, the one who least misses our game is my wallet. Around this time, I would have blown a hundred, two hundred bucks on your birthday. Buying you beautiful art, or forcing the others into gear to throw a grand party. I've gotten into animatics lately. I probably would have purchased one of us. XD Strange Sight? Probably.

....of all of them...you're the one that I miss most. One of the best things in my life. From the moment I met you, there was a spark. I had to get to know this guy. Had to get close to him. Had to break him out of his shell. Had to save him. I've always had a love for the broken, and a passion for healing the fragments in others, even if it meant an excuse to ignore my own. After all...how can others come after you for your mistakes when you spend your waking life caring for the welfare of others? You were strong, brave, powerful. You inspired me to want to be like you. To fight. To be better. When I was falling, you'd grab my arm and tear me to my feet and shove me forward. We had such a selective, intense and fierce love.

But god....you fucking destroyed me. My confidence. You broke me in ways that others couldn't. And I think you knew that. The things you said to me cut me deeper than anyone else. And no matter how hard I tried...it was never enough. If I fought to be stronger, and put away my emotions, you would say that I was weak for hiding them. If I broke and tried to lean on you, you'd shove me off and tell me not to put my weight on others. You'd cut me down. Weak. Puppy. Child. You'd leave for months, and not say a word, then come back and demand the utmost respect. I was so desperate that you'd leave that even when your words cut me, I'd go on my knees and apologize, even if it wasn't my fault. I would have burned down the world in order to keep you near.

I have such a low self esteem now. I'm so afraid...terrified that no matter what I do, and no matter how hard I fight, it will never change anything. That I'll always be insignificant. I'm afraid of people leaving now. If someone steps away from me, or takes a break, I immediately correlate it with disappointment, or hate. I've done something wrong. I'm weak. I'm wrong. I didn't always have such a fragile heart. But you had a tendency to sledge hammer it. I can't take criticism well because for the longest time, the only way I received criticism was harsh belittlement and degradation. When I receive criticism now, my legs crumble and my resolve dissolves because it's a fierce reminder of the fact that I'm failing, and that all my efforts will never matter.

And even still...even through all that...god, I still miss you. Still love you. Loyalty. It's my greatest strength, and my greatest flaw. I would never abandoned my friends. No matter what happens, or what they do. You kicked me onto my side, and I'd thank you for it. You could cut me down and call me weak, and I'd apologize for it. And...I am physically incapable of letting people go. I literally had to have the lack of your very existence confirmed in order to be forcibly stripped away from you. And here I am. Still wanting you. Still missing you. and still needing you. XD You share a birthday with my dad. I guess you wouldn't have known that. Considering you didn't know of him. I was always more excited about your birthday than I was of his, or even my own. The only tie was her. XD Even still, I want to ask if you were proud of me. But the answer would have been what it will always be. No. And now I'm here. in a suspended state of worthlessness, and inadequacy. Sorry I could never make you proud.
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