Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Wed Sep 12, 2018 4:55 pm

Hidden text.
To: J-
Well this is awkward.
I’ve known you for only three months but it’s felt like a goddamn life time. You’re so easy to talk to. And I don’t feel.. awkward? around you. I don’t feel.. burdened around you. I don’t know the right words or feelings. Why can’t I feel this way with the man that I’m with. I love him don’t I? So many words, questions, feelings going on in my head and it’s too foggy to fully grasp a single one. With my brother passing, my uncle passing and just every other thing in my life that happened it’s too hard to analyzing just a single bit of confusion that goes on in my head. You’re like twice my age? why am I so attracted to you? This is wrong and I know it. But I can’t help but have these questions that go on inside my head. You don’t criticize me, or belittle me no matter what I’ve done wrong or said wrong or have not done, not even in a joking manner. With this confusion I am now skeptical of myself. Have I really been myself when I’m with my boyfriend, the man that I say I’m head over heels for? Do I really know what that feels like? I’m only 19 for crying out loud. Why are you making everything so difficult. Why are you making me think that everything is wrong with where I am at in my relationship. Making me question everything that I know, that I’m used to.
Fuck. This sucks. But I do really like your laugh. Why. Stop. Maybe it’s just another “crush” that just passes with time. I guess time will tell.
Your female coworker.
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Wed Sep 12, 2018 7:41 pm

    • dear me,

      keep fucking going. please. i know its one thing after another, but dont let this break you too.
      just accept the fact that slowly people are gonna leave you and thats okay.
      dont do anything stupid over situations and people you cant control.
      you're alone. you're a damn idiot that ruins every good thing you ever have, but it's okay.
      alice is gone, your opportunity of a lifetime slipped through your fingers, you'll never ride again, your family doesn't love you, you're irrelevant to them and your friends, and he's going to sea. but it'll be okay, right? it has to be.
      don't you dare give up. you can't do that to them.
      try. do one good fucking thing in your life and try. just try to keep going.

      a very lost and broken soul

      i'm just your average marvel nerd & starmora
      enthusiast. only here for roleplays & character
      development. please don't pm me at this time.
      julienuhhh100 days of summerstorage


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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Thu Sep 20, 2018 2:22 am

    • to anyone who wants to listen,

      i like to think i'm doing better... and in a lot of ways i am. i let go of that anger that was festering inside of me; i learned to accept what happened for what it was. i'm learning to be okay and that's a huge thing in itself. but lately i keep getting hit with these moments where it all comes rushing back to me. i'll be going about my day feeling generally okay and it'll sink in my head that it actually happened. that he consciously decided to go through with it and that he's never coming back. i just... i almost can't even comprehend it. i experienced it. i attended the funeral. the burial. i saw him. i stood in that room while our family and friends came to offer their condolences and still, two years after the fact, it doesn't quite feel real. it's just not supposed to happen that way, you know? he was supposed to grow up and get married and make something of himself. we were supposed to be able to call and check up on each other however many years down the line when we were both off living our own lives. but that can never happen. not anymore. he's stuck in time almost. like if i walk downstairs maybe, just maybe, he'll be sitting in his room. but he won't be. ever. and that just... i can't understand it. i can't seem to wrap my mind around it no matter how hard i try and it seems like these sudden realizations are something that i'm just going to have to learn to live with. i just... i don't know. i don't understand how he could've gone through with something so absolute. i don't understand what happened to the goofy kid that i grew up with. god, i sound like a broken record anymore. i don't know.

      - someone who's trying to make sense of something unthinkable.
─────────────────────────────────────────────────xxxLADY LUCK, TAKE THE WHEEL
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Sun Sep 23, 2018 4:01 am

Two here that I would like to send. The first, to one who will never read....don't you dare ever speak ill of her. You are no better than her. You're not a saint, you're not perfect and you sure as hell don't know anything about her. So how dare you spit on her name when you know not the slightest bit of what we have been through. Jealousy isn't a good colour on you.

And my second letter...thank you. Too many to thank so I'll put it here. To those who have helped me during these turbulant times. Rebuilding yourself from scratch isn't easy. And neither is moving on. XD guilt is a terrible thing. It eats you up from the inside. Creates this hole in your chest. And yet...so many people...when they should have been angry, weren't. It shocks me every time, tbh. To receive...understanding rather than anger. Sometimes I wish it were the latter. It would make this guilt I feel justified. Yet...they accepted me, protected me, helped me.

And.....I guess a third letter. To myself. Is that allowed? ...it's okay to forgive. It's okay to forgive others, for transgressions that they may not have even felt were important enough to apologize for. It's okay to forgive yourself, for things in the past. There are so many doors open. Doors you've ignored. Doors you've slammed shut. Others that you stare at wistfully, and don't step through because you feel you don't deserve it. You've never had so many people standing behind you before. You don't have an excuse to sit around anymore. There's only one way to go now. Forward.
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Mon Sep 24, 2018 11:34 am

Dear Mom,
Please don't give up the fight. I know you are strong. You will make it. We will get through this. If only you could see your progress, even if it is ever so slight.
Your daughter

Dear dad,
You are doing so great. I am admiring you. I'm sorry I get overwhelmed at times. It has been hard. We will make it. I am always here.
Your daughter

Dear me,
Don't bottle everything up.
Don't always play nice weather.
Don't feel guilty for the escapism you have.
Don't feel guilty you are numbing yourself at times with writing and writing alone.
Take care of yourself.
A wiser version of you.

Hi, I am Deer! I am an overseer on AS. Feel free to reach out to
me if you are experiencing any issues on the board. I love coding
and spend a fair share of my life doing it. Other than that, I am a
big fan of Arrowverse, and always open to chat about anything of it!

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i'm drunk and trying to sober up enough to write this coherently

Tue Sep 25, 2018 12:34 am

    • if words were rot

      contains euphemisms of past self-harm and abuse
Hidden text.
to the one who ruined me to begin with,

you have stolen opportunity from me. you twisted me and warped me. in anyway you saw fit at the time. you had the audacity to hide behind the lies you called good intentions and love. it is because of you that i’ve had to fight so goddamn hard to find out just what love truly meant. i like to believe it was because you were scared, but who am i to truly know? i don’t think you have a capacity for fear. for anguish. for remorse. you clearly have no regrets weighing down that cold soul of yours. you deny everything and make transparent excuses. perhaps you believe it will work on me, but i’ve seen enough of it from you by now to know better. you refute any and every inkling of fault that falls in your direction, despite it being disgustingly obvious as to what you’ve done. time and time again you have proven to me that you hold no love, nor kind feelings, towards me. the only thing you’ve taught me is fear and anger. you abide by this sick principle where you believe that so long as you have their fear, you ultimately have their respect. which would have ended fine and well had you not used this very tactic to raise your children. i recall a time you were very drunk -- one of the only times you grew slightly affectionate -- you reached out to touch my face. i flinched back, hard. you laughed and asked if i thought you were going to hit me. at the time, i told you no, because i knew that’s what you wanted to hear. but the real answer is yes. you’ve hit me before, what would make this time different? because you were intoxicated? see, there were only two instances where you reached towards the idea of loving us -- whilst inebriated and around others. all of the signs were there, all of the proof loud and so goddamn clear. so why was it that you were the only one blind to the abuse-- the hell -- you put us through? after all this time, there are moments where i catch myself recalling the childhood that no human should ever have to endure. i can recall both good and bad memories of you. that’s the part that makes me sick the most. life with you wasn’t all bad all the time. however, not once did the good ever out weight the bad. what you did was still wrong, horrible, and absolutely heinous in every way. do i miss it? no. i miss my siblings. i miss the good memories. but i do not for one second regret leaving. i was a child. i had to involve the police to get away from you, and even then the system failed me due to your lies. the only reason you let me leave was because of the cards i pulled. i was desperate to get away from you -- i always was. i just didn’t have the courage to do so until that moment. you were always so charismatic and horrendously persuasive. i recall, quite bitterly, the first time i attempted to leave that house. i was twelve years old, maybe even eleven. i packed a bag, fully intending to fend for myself against the elements. because i knew even then that i’d rather rot in the woods than spend another minute in that house under your rule. my grandmother -- your mother -- and my sister brought my back. you were at work at the time. when you found out what i had tried to do, you told them that they should’ve left me out there to die. because that’s what i deserved for being an ungrateful little bitch. when you found out i was taking a blade to my skin, you got angry with me, as if it were somehow my fault and not your own. you didn’t even find out until years after i started. never cared enough to notice. instead of helping me, you punished me. you would roughly grab my arms and wrists, and if it hurt me more than you thought it should, i was punished. you forced me through the trials of hell and back, and i made it out alive. all those years of endless torment. sleep deprivation, starvation, welts, sweat, bruises, blood, exhaustion -- all by your hand. and yet you’ve done no wrong by me. you’re innocent. you may have your mother sympathising with you now, but deep down you know you’ve done wrong by me. you know. and i hope you rot for it. i hope the guilt eats you up. i hope you realise. and i hope no one mourns once you're finally six feet under, because that's what you deserve.

with no shred of love,

the son you refuse to claim
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i just needed to let some things out dont worry ♥

Fri Sep 28, 2018 6:35 pm

dear _______

i hate you. i hate you for always making me feel like im a burden in your life. i hate you for not realizing how much you affected me through the years. the world does not spin around you, words and actions hurt me too. but you can't see that. you say you do care, and then you call me worthless, useless, and all of those words that you know pierce through my skin like daggers. you don't trust me, i don't know why. but you never did. you want me out of the house, away from you... but then you tell people i can't do anything by myself and hold me back. you then wonder why I cry, you wonder why is it that i'm always so angry at you. it's because i know im capable of many good things, but you don't have any faith in me somehow, and that hurts really bad.

you blame everything on me. you can't make a mistake, none. that's impossible because you have to know the absolute truth of everything. you have to be right, or else, you are the victim nobody comprehends. now tell me, have you ever tried to sit and comprehend me too? like i try to understand you every time i think of your reasons to behave a certain way? because i get it, i get the things that happened in the past and even in the present have affected you terribly. I know you weren't always like this. but why do you have to take it out on me? i promise, im trying to be there for you. I try to be submissive and control my temper like some people says i should. but even for me, sometimes it's too much.

and even when i say i hate you, that's not possible because you are still my mom.

dear _______

I wish you were still here. things are so dull without you.

dear V, S, M, T & A

thank you all for always being there for me. I always try to remind you of how much you guys mean to me because sometimes I feel like I don't deserve any of you. You are all special people. Some of you I've known for years, some of you I've known for months. but you all have a special spot inside my chest. things are always a bit better when i get to see any of you. I forget about my problems and get to be me. the fears are gone. I really am thankful to be able to call you my friends. and I really do hope to be able to do so for many years.
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Mon Oct 01, 2018 1:07 am

  • --
Last edited by memory. on Thu Oct 11, 2018 6:44 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Fri Oct 05, 2018 2:43 am

Last edited by savage. on Sat Dec 08, 2018 2:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Sun Oct 14, 2018 6:09 pm

To you.

I'm not going to say dear, because you don't deserve it. I shouldn't even be wasting my time writing this letter, but whatever, I have time to kill. I despise you. Everything you are, everything you do, I despise it all. We've been broken up for nearly a year but you still drive past my house, stop? I was never in love with you in the first place, it's cruel to admit it, but I wasn't. How can you love someone who tries to hurt you so bad? Love shouldn't hurt, not all the time. You started off fine, but ended up being controlling, manipulative. Trying to tell me what to wear and who I could and couldn't see. Checking my phone every night and threatening my friends if they spoke to me, like what the fuck? Only a psycho does that. There's a reason I stopped sleeping with you for seven months, yes it was fucking that long and you still thought nothing was wrong, because I was so lonely and depressed I wasn't myself. Accept the fact I've moved on, I'm happier now, why can't you do the same? Please stop driving past my house. Please stop asking about me. Please accept we're not friends, we're just two people with some, quite frankly, dark and shitty memories.

- The girl you almost drove insane.

Dear you, my darling.

You deserve all the dears and more. It's not been long between us, three months, but it's felt like a second, a minute, an hour, time can never be long enough when spending it with you. Fucking hell you're so kind. You're so charming and kind and just..you. Not to mention your looks. I feel as though I'd follow you to the ends of the Earth, to wherever you wanted to go, I'd drop it all for you. Silly, isn't it? When I know you probably wouldn't do the same for me. It's hurtful in a way, to know I care for you more then you do for me, it's true and we both know it, but what can I do? You're younger than me, not by an awful lot, but enough for it to make a difference at times. Enough for me to know what I want in life, but for you to be unsure still. Sometimes I feel as though you can never do enough for me. When we're together? You can't do enough for me. Your smiles, kisses, touches, all so gentle and perfect, you make me feel as if no one else and nothing else matters, like I'm the most important person to you. However, when we're not together? Sometimes I feel like I don't exist. This isn't all your fault. I know you have friends and spend time with them, I'd never stop that, I know we both have our own space, sometimes I just wish your communication was a little better. That's all. I wish you felt as strongly about me, as I do about you, I know this isn't a one way thing, I know you care about me otherwise you wouldn't have asked me to go with you if you move out next year. I just wish I didn't sometimes feel like I take second place. But know I love you, really I do, and I'll wait for as long as it takes until you're ready to know if you do care about me as much. I'm not going anywhere, not without you anyway.

- Your devoted and ever loving girlfriend.

Dear my one true love.

I miss you. Fucking hell I miss you like mad, I never will stop loving you. I know you'll never see this, it's pretty impossible because you're a horse. But you were my one true love and I miss you, I love you dearly and you helped me through so many shitty times. When I was ill, anorexic and had nothing left to live for, you were there for me, you looked after me and we grew and developed together. We had so many memories and we built a bond that I feel can overpower anything, or I thought it could. Five years we were together, me and you, you saw me through two breakups, through the fights and tears, but we also had fights and tears of our own. You were lame, on and off, ill at times but I was there for you through it all. Until I lost my job, and I struggled to afford you. We hadn't been seeing eye to eye for quite some time, but despite that you still meant everything to me, to call you in the mornings and hear you calling back, your little face so happy and alert, but it wasn't enough. My love for you wasn't strong enough, love couldn't pay for you. Selling you was the worst decision I've ever made, and still nearly 8 months on, I still regret it and cry over it now. I'm sorry I didn't keep my promise to say you were staying forever, I'm sorry I sold you. I know where you are, in another country, and I know you've got a girl who loves and cares for you almost as much as I did, almost. She'll never love you as much as I have done, no one ever will. But just know buddy, that I will save up and come and see you, you were my rock and if they ever want to sell you, you'll be coming straight back here, where you belong. I love you, more then I could ever love anyone, and one day, up in the sky, we will meet again, but this time, we'll stay together forever.

- The girl who's heart you stole and kept.

My Darling,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, fucking sorry. I'm sorry and the amount I'll say it, it will never be enough. I'm so fucking sorry my dear, I will never forgive myself. For your death. I still think about it, from four months ago, it still haunts my dreams, and I'm so fucking sorry. I didn't want to put you there, I didn't want you to catch yourself like you did, I'll never forget what I saw. How I screamed, how I cried, how time felt as if it wasn't even moving yet was going too fast at the same time. I'm so sorry. It will never be a blur to me, but it's true, time does heal and slowly..it's healing this. I may have only known you two, three, weeks, but they were good weeks and we were so close. I hate what happened, how I lost everything in a day, how I wanted to die myself just like you did. I'd never seen a horse die before, not like you did, you were so young, barely six, and I feel responsible for you death. I know you couldn't be saved, not really, but it doesn't make it any easier. I just hope you can forgive me, for your life ending so shortly, for coming to me just for that to happen. Had I known, I never would have brought you, I never would have even laid eyes on you. I would have stayed well away. Everything was too perfect. You were too perfect, i was ready to start competing, so were you, it was all too perfect and life couldn't accept it. That's why you're dead and I'm now without a horse, and with an even bigger hole in my heart then when I started. I hope you're resting easy up there, and I hope you're winning all those red ribbons just like we were going to do together.

- The girl who will never forgive herself.
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