Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

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Black Belt
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Fri Oct 19, 2018 9:49 pm

Hidden text.
i'm missing you today.

the truth is that i miss you every time the sky is slightly unusual looking. i'm brought right back to the evening it happened, watching the sky explode in a fire of red and orange and pure beauty, and the news i received fifteen minutes after the fact. i wish i could go back to that moment. i have a polaroid that will never truly capture the beauty of what i saw that day, and messages that will never truly capture the grief.

i found out the other day that you had reached out. not to a friend or a teacher, because that wasn't like you. you revealed your ideations on some stupid fucking welshbacc questionnaire about sports and its associations with mental health. you were always like that.
she misses you, i know that. the mental health talk today showed that enough. they both do. i held l's hand in our assembly today, when the man was talking about the highest killer of men at our age. he was going on and on and on and on

i shouted at that girl. i really, really, shouted at her. i felt bad, but she was disrespecting you. throwing your name around like some ragdoll. there was no respect. there was nothing. it was then that i realised that's all you're ever going to be to some people. a name. a statistic. a clickbait news article about the horrors behind our school's facade of excellence.

i remember the last time i saw you. it was at h's party. we were drunk, and i was upset. i was upset and i was crying and i saw you, standing in the corner. i think i said something to you. i don't remember. i wish i did. i really wish i did, because if i could have clung on to that two weeks later, perhaps i wouldn't have fallen so hard. perhaps you wouldn't have. i wish you'd told someone. i wish you'd told one of them, and i wish you were still here and i didn't have to cling onto that drunken haze. i wish i didn't only have one video of you that only serves as a sick foreshadowing for what was to come. i wish, i wish, i wish.
your name is being clouded over right now, but i'll never stop thinking it. i'll never stop saying it.

sleep well, mc
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Mon Oct 22, 2018 9:11 pm


Right back at you. And I know I need to say so.
Happy September!

- Finalize the AS survey results - working on it!
- Update the anon box thread - working on it!
- Announce new Overseer ✔
- Catch up on PMs
- Discuss the workshop idea
- Add new areas to Explicit board ✔
- Dear Stag ✔
- 100 DoS follow up poll
- Update the team page ✔
Also: discuss themes status

Happy Birthday to all of the September blueberries!
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White Belt
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Tue Oct 30, 2018 4:00 am

Hidden text.
dear you,

i think i love you. i hate it. i know you're never going to feel the same. even if you did, you're so caught up in thinking you're this terrible influence on me that you'd never act upon it. i'm just so tired of not feeling good enough for you. i feel like i'm nothing. no one. i thought you helped me find out who i was really supposed to be, but i think you accidentally took my identity and toyed with it so much that i don't have any idea who i am anymore.

this is all crazy. i spent so many years of my life avoiding boys and the heartache they cause, and then you came along and fucked it all up for me. my bad for falling, i guess. i just don't know why it couldn't have been for someone else. someone who's brave enough to admit he wants me back.

i hate that i don't even want anyone else. the thought of being close to any guy that isn't you makes me sick to my stomach. because no one else could be you. no one else can compare. and that's a ridiculous thought, too. at the end of the day, i know you're not that special. like me, you are just another person on this planet, but -- for some reason -- you've got me wrapped around your finger. i really would do anything for you, and that scares me. i've never felt that way for another person in my life. i don't want to feel that way for you. i don't want to keep wanting you, but here i am. here i'll stay.

i'm sorry i can't get over you. i really, truly am. i'm sorry i'm too selfish to be content with being your friend.

- sky
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Yellow Belt
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Sun Nov 11, 2018 9:11 pm

Dear A,

I do not like you. We will never get along. Leave me alone. I hate to say it because you're my brother, but after all those stupid things you did, I do not like you. Don't talk to me. Don't come into my room. Don't touch my stuff. Don't fucking talk to me. Everything I say offends you, because you're more sensitive than a god damn baby. You don't act as if you're 25. You act as if you're five years old.

Stop coming by the house late at night. Stop eating all of our leftovers, especially when I'm watching my little brother and those are for him to eat. You know, since you can make your own god damn food instead of eating everything in sight like a fucking pig. Maybe don't eat the food in the styrofoam carryout box that I put my name on, you dick. Maybe stop when I tell you to, because you're pissing me off. Don't spray me with something and not expect me to slap the shit out of you in return. Don't pick up something that is not only extremely valuable to me, but also nearly costed me 1,000 dollars. Not to mention, that item is delicate and you pick it up as if it's a pile of dirt. So careless. I can't stand you. I really can't. I wish you would just leave us alone. I wish you would've never came up here from Florida. I wish you would've just stayed down there and laid in the bed you made, with that pregnant girl who you try to say isn't pregnant with your baby, but more than clearly is.
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Black Belt
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Mon Nov 12, 2018 10:09 pm

Stan Lee,

Rest In Peace to the man who created a world and universe that I’ve spent a majority of my life finding happiness in. It was and is my escape, something to keep me going, and something to make me incredibly happy. Thank you, Stan. You were and always will be a true hero.

      i'm just your average marvel nerd & starmora
      enthusiast. only here for roleplays & character
      development. please don't pm me at this time.
      julienuhhh100 days of summerstorage


                • Image
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Tue Nov 20, 2018 7:34 am

Dear Grandpa,
I'm not ready. I'm not ready to lose you. I am not ready to attend a funeral. I'm not ready to see you slowly dying. It's so unfair. You have nothing but good inside of you. You and grandma always raise the best inside of everyone. I know you are not my grandpa by blood, but you adopted me into your family once I lost my "real" grandpa. Which is odd to say because you feel like a real one to me as well. You have been for almost 13 years already.

I hate to see how this cancer is destroying you so rapidly. I hate to see everyone in so much pain as they are now. You were so full of life and I always saw you as unstoppable. I mean, how many parts of you got replaced? Plenty of them. We used to joke how about nothing could stop you. Two new knees, a new hip. And each and every time you went back to what you loved most: cycling, walking, being under the people. You are a wonderful example of how I hope to be old. I will see you tonight and somewhere I wish I could tell you all of this. But your condition got worse so all you can manage is a brief "hello". Or actually a goodbye.

I'm not ready to say goodbye. Not at all. I do not want to say goodbye because I know it is the last one I will ever tell you. And then you will be gone soon, forever. Maybe in a few days, hopefully in a bit longer.

I'm sorry we weren't able to destroy the cancer instead of letting it destroy you. Cancer is an awful disease and it rips families apart.

I love you and admire you. I always will.

Your granddaughter.
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Black Belt
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House: Sagacitas

Thu Nov 22, 2018 1:13 pm


on this day two years ago you passed, and while there are times i feel like everything's okay, i still look back and think over all of the little things. the times where you'd ask me for help with how to spell a certain word, the times where we'd sit together and watch nature programmes for hours on end, where we'd joke and bicker, but most of all i think back on how safe you made me feel. you were always the stable pillar in my life, the singular thing that kept me together and the one person i could count on to be there for me no matter what. over these past two years i feel like i've fucked up so many times, so, so badly, and every time i feel like if you'd been here you would have known what to do- you always knew how to fix things, but i just don't know how.

you'd be so proud of hana and how much she's grown, how much of a wonderful person she's become and talented she is. i know you would have laughed and joked at how deaf granddad is going; he misses you even more than i do. he couldn't bring himself to cry at his mum's funeral, but watching you disappear was the first time i saw him break. i want you to know that i'm doing my best to look after him, to make him smile at least once every time i see him, i want you to know that i'm doing my best to look after hana as well, and mum. i still don't know how to handle her mood swings on most days, and there are still times where we fight like cat and dog but i'm trying my best to look after them the way you would have wanted me to.

it's been so long, and there have been so many times where i've wanted to -and sometimes nearly have- given up. even with people around me there were times where i felt like it would have been so much easier to just end everything. it's selfish and i know it is, but at the time those thoughts were running through my head i just didn't care. i wanted what was easiest for me, and admittedly there are still times where i feel like taking those pills would make everything so much easier, but each time i try pushing myself on further, because i know that's what you would have wanted. i hate myself for it, i really do. i hate how weak i am. people have told me i'm strong, but how am i strong when those are the thoughts in my head? how does it make me strong when i'm too terrified to do it? how am i strong when i resort to just hurting myself instead of following through? it makes me feel like a coward.

wherever you are now i hope that one day you can be proud of me, nanna, and i hope that at some point in my life i can become as half as strong a woman as you were
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White Belt
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Big Forget this

Wed Nov 28, 2018 7:25 am

    • forget it
Last edited by cammie on Sun Dec 02, 2018 7:17 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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White Belt
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House: Sagacitas

Thu Nov 29, 2018 4:35 am

    • ____

      god, i fucking hate you. i hate you so damn much. and i've never truly hated someone as much as you. you haunt me every day like you are my curse. i hate that i cower away from you whenever you get too close. i hate that i tense up and it when its hard to breathe almost like a snake is trying to constrict itself around my lungs. and you're always there. whether its sitting near me on the bus. standing near my friends and i in the morning. moving to sit near me in orchestra. jumping into conversations when one of your friends is talking to me and then taking over the conversation. joining the same clubs i'm in. just you're always fucking there. and its like you fucking do it on purpose too. i've seen the way you smirk at me whenever i tense up or try to push away from you. i've seen the looks you give me when i pull myself away from everyone and am left alone. i've fucking seen all of it. and you know that too. and its been affecting me so much recently. i've been scared to leave my own house sometimes because i think i'll see you. its blossomed into this whole fucking problem and because of you, i have so many problems. everything wrong with me, my anxieties, fears everything. its all stemmed off you. and i don't know what to do. i thought when i cut you out i'd be free. i thought i would finally be able to spread my wings and be myself. but i can't. my wings are still chained to my back and you're the one holding the key. just fucking let me go already. i'm so tired of being scared of you. i'm so tired of it all. i just want to be myself.

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Yellow Belt
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Sun Dec 02, 2018 10:01 am

  • ignore my ramblings, but this is to myself.

    grief is a funny thing. you can't simply get away with it and it's there until you accept it. but if you simply grieve for the act of grieving, would is simply not be easier to just move on. i didn't need to grieve, i didn't need to do anything. emotions are complex, yet we have understandings of them; yet we lead ourselves to follow them through, and while i simply lack a good portion of them, just trying to fit the bill seemed to be enough for me. i don't even know if i meant it, or if i simply spoke hollow words. i haven't been able to make sense of that just yet, but pushing myself closer and closer is the only thing i can do in trying to figure everything out.

    everything has calmed down, for which i'm immensely glad for. i have time on my hands, and i need to expand my mind. it needs exercise. looking back several years ago, i've gotten soft. i need to be able to protect myself and others, i need to be sharp once more. i can no longer simply watch everything around me, as i often do, i need to make a move to better myself and from there, i can think about everything else.

    right now i need to recover what i've lost, and it's not easy. this is a reminder for myself. be strong. look forward.
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