Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

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silence.
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Joined: Tue Apr 25, 2017 11:30 pm
Gender: a societal construct
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sometimes it really do be like that

Thu Mar 21, 2019 2:24 am

Hidden text.
  • i thought about you the other day, and it made me really sad.

    do you remember when we were best friends? when you were the first person to know anything and everything about me, about my day? what do you know about me now?

    i've been driving myself crazy, trying to figure out why our friendship fell apart. was it me? was it you? when we first met, all those years ago, i thought you were the coolest person i'd ever met. your hair was blue, you listened to punk music, and your art was amazing. it still is. i've always been socially anxious, and didn't have many friends, but i was brave for you. i talked to you first, put myself out there. i really swooped in right when you needed a friend, didn't i? i have a weird knack for that. the point is, i idolized you. i met a lot of my closest friends because of you. and i was always, always scared you'd find someone better than me.

    life went on, and we went from friends to best friends. nobody knew me better. there are things i told you that i've never said aloud to anyone else, not even my current best friend. i really, really trusted you, and you trusted me. we were like platonic soulmates, it seemed. everyone, even us, thought we'd really be friends forever. i miss being so optimistic

    i think we started to drift when your depression got better, and mine didn't. i'm so, so happy that you found a medication that actually helps you, but it was as if the moment you stopped needing to talk about your feelings, you stopped caring about mine. you told me once that you felt guilty for feeling better when i was still struggling, but that never bothered me. what hurt was the fact that you stopped supporting me when you stopped needing support. worse, you were sometimes dismissive of my problems. i know i've been petite my whole life, but when i started gaining weight and feeling insecure, you just said "you're literally my goal weight" and completely breezed on. and then when joan died, where were you? why didn't you ever check on me? didn't you care, at all, even the tiniest bit? i don't know, and that really fucks with me.

    but the nail in the coffin was when you left for college, and suddenly we had to deal with distance in our friendship for the first time. i was scared, because i didn't have many local friends left at that point, but i didn't have any reason to doubt you. i've maintained online friendships, so i knew we could do it. except, we couldn't. you couldn't.

    that first year you were in college, our friendship was flat-lining, and i was the only one performing cpr. i texted you daily, and sent you memes on instagram. you responded, of course, but it was always me starting every conversation, and wanting to Actually talk, instead of just sending memes back and forth. you did a lot of annoying things that year, like get me three parking tickets when i visited you at school, but the worst part was when you came home for summer

    while you were away, i could understand why there was a barrier up between us. you were busy, and so was i. but i thought that you'd want to see me, when we finally had time together. instead, you worked a lot, and continued treating me like an afterthought. it made me really angry, tbh, to see you hanging out with your new coworkers and smoking weed (which you gave me SO MUCH shit for) until 3am nearly every night, especially when you said we couldn't hang out because i closed at work a lot. i was almost always home by 10pm; you were out partying until far later. i still don't understand your logic. when i confronted you about it, you told me we were like an old married couple where the spark had gone out. excuse me? i'm sorry i was boring you

    you couldn't be bothered to try for my birthday, either. we made plans to get dinner on my birthday, which landed on a sunday that year, but everywhere we both liked was going to be closed by the time you got off work. it was really unfortunate timing, but you didn't even want to hang out afterwards. you ditched me on my birthday, and i still can't believe it. i cried in olive garden in front of my parents when they took me out for pity dinner bc you bailed on me completely. and what did you have to say about all of it? "oh it's fine, i didn't get you anything anyway." that wasn't the point. getting to see you was the point.

    i think you felt bad, because later you revealed that you actually did get me something. "i know you're not very sentimental," you said, "so do you want me to put everything together really nice before i give it to you, or just give it to you as is?" i told you i didn't need a fancy presentation, and you handed me an envelope full of photos you had developed for $5 (you left the price tag on), right after you finished telling me you knew i'm not sentimental. so you just... decided to get me photos. the most sentimental thing. okay then. i don't know if you already planned it, or if my expression gave away how i felt, but you also said you wanted to put $50 into a tattoo for me. i shouldn't have said yes, because you tried to tell me you couldn't put any money into my tattoo after i already put down the non-refundable deposit for the tattoo. even worse, you decided we should get matching tattoos. it's a beautiful tattoo, and i like having it on my body, but it's mine. i wish you didn't have it too

    after that, i stopped trying. over the course of that year, i made new friends, and reconnected with some old ones, and i realized you weren't really the sun. in high school, i always felt like you were the cool one, and i was your weird shadow. now, i know i've always been cool af. it just took me a while to see

    this is the part of the story you like to tell. you like to pretend i was the first one to check out, like i found new friends and forgot all about you, as if you didn't do it first. you went back to college, and i told you i didn't want to visit. i stopped starting conversations. i got rid of all my social media. if you wanted to speak to me, you had my number. otherwise, i was content to let you keep drifting. if you thought you could do better, i was fine with that. i thought i could do better too

    except, instead of letting me drift away too, you began to cling. you started carrying some of your weight in our friendship, starting conversations and seeming like you genuinely wanted me in your life. we had a long, personal phone call, where you told me you'd been jealous of me for years and that's why you sometimes found it hard to be genuinely complimentary toward me. i told you i'd been jealous of you too in high school -- you had a good relationship with your mom, and i wanted that So Badly with mine. it seemed like we were in a good place, after that. we saw a concert together, and i remembered why you were my best friend all over again. it hurt me, a lot, to let my guard down and start trying again, just for you to decide you no longer needed to.

    still, i was optimistic. you were my best friend once, and i loved you. i really, truly believed there was still something worth sticking around for, worth carrying our friendship on my back for. you weren't perfect, but neither was i, and i wanted to see if we could have more really good nights, like at the concert.

    then you really had to go and piss me off.

    you told me you were coming home for a weekend, and we made plans. i wanted to take you to the cat sanctuary i volunteered at, something you said you were down for, and then we'd just chill and exist together, maybe get dinner or something. except, the morning we were supposed to see each other, you said you didn't want to hang out until six or seven in the evening. i was a little confused by the sudden change in plans, but it wasn't a big deal. what was a big deal, however, was the fact that you brought one of your college friends down with you and conveniently forgot to tell me. it's not that i don't like your friends -- it's just, well. i only get to see you once every couple of months, and you literally live with the friend you brought. we got dinner without your friend, bc i told you straight up that i was annoyed to see them there. it was mean of me, but i didn't care. i especially didn't care after we went back to your house, and you asked me if i wanted to decorate cupcakes with you and your friend. i said no, because i'd just spent the last three days baking and decorating and helping my mom throw her coworker a baby shower. you said it was fine, until we walked into your house. then, out of nowhere, you turned to me and said, "we're decorating cupcakes, but you can just sit on the counter." i can't fucking believe you'd disrespect me like that. you're lucky i went home instead of giving you a piece of my mind

    i stopped trying after that, and i still haven't started again. you were confused about that, too. over winter break i only saw you twice -- once at my new year's eve party, and once just the two of us. you tried getting me drunk at my party but mostly just got yourself drunk, and you told me about your mental breakdowns. you put your hand on mine, and told me you missed me, missed our friendship, missed my love. it was a little late for that. when we went to the mall, a few days later, i was pretty spaced out. i'm sorry about that, but i don't know how to act around you anymore. you kept asking me if i was alright, and i kept telling you yes. it was the truth. i am alright, but i'm also different. you don't know me as well as you used to

    the last time i saw you was almost two weeks ago, now. you came home for a week, and i only gave you a couple hours of my time. we talked, and you said you missed me again. i said it back, but i lied. i'm not sorry i did -- i don't want to hurt you. it's why i'm not really telling you any of this. we haven't spoken since that night, and i wonder if you could tell how sorry for you i felt. it was hard not to pity you, when you clearly still felt something that i didn't

    i don't know whose fault it is that we're where we are now. is it yours, for being the first to stop trying? or is it mine, for being the last? i don't know, but i'm interested to see what you do when you come home for summer.
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digital witness
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Joined: Thu Feb 16, 2017 10:19 pm
House: Halcyon

Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Mon Mar 25, 2019 5:05 am

    • jacob,

      i hope you feel better, because i really think you fucked me up beyond repair.

      between the ptsd and the dissociative episodes. i'm exhausted. it's too much, y'know? three years later and i'm here googling grounding techniques so i can reel myself back in when i inevitably suffer another dissociative episode while i'm at work. i was on the bathroom floor in tears tonight at the thought of feeling this way forever, and you? well, you're still dead. so thanks i guess. i don't know. i know you were hurting, but you hurt a lot of people, dude. danny and mom seem like they're getting better - i do, too, sometimes. but not lately. lately i revert back to whatever the fuck that was that i experienced the day that you died. i guess it was just too much for me. my mind couldn't cope so it just kind of... checked out. like full-on out of fucking body checked out. problem is it never checked back in. i don't feel like me anymore. i don't feel like anyone anymore. there are days where i hardly feel like a person. and here i am... ranting to someone who's long dead.

      i don't know. i wish i could talk to you, y'know?
      i miss you
─────────────────────────────────────────────────xxxLADY LUCK, TAKE THE WHEEL
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simon
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Tue Mar 26, 2019 3:27 am

  • jessica,

    sleep now, my dear friend, and dream of something good.

    rest easy.

    i'll see you on the other side. we'll have so much to catch up on, you and i.

    you're still my xander if i'm still your jimmy.
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cap'nstark
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Wed Mar 27, 2019 2:04 pm

    • _____
      take care of yourself. i won't be there to help you anymore, but you can do it. move on and find someone else. don't beat yourself up for my actions. it wasn't you; it was me.



      self,
      its okay to let go and move on. don't bring yourself down too much for this. you have a wonderful support system so use it. don't hide away like you always do. it'll only hurt you more down the line.
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Gamora.
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Sun Apr 21, 2019 12:42 pm

    • auntie marjorie,

      what I would give to hear your voice again, hear that special beautiful laugh, and get another warm hug. you were one of the sweetest people I knew and I hope you’re at peace now with uncle bob.

      I wish I could have said goodbye. tell you I love you once more. melissa’s wedding is only a few months away and I wish you could have been there. but you will be watching over us from wherever you are.

      “god love ya” auntie. be at peace. I’ll see you again some day.

      love jenna.
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    talk marvel to me and send me vines please.
    gamora still is and always will be my number 1

    i luv u bitchhh - bestest pal in the entire galaxy

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rai;
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Thu May 02, 2019 12:59 pm

    • maybe it was foolish of me to believe that you would stay with me. maybe i expected too much from you.

      it hurts. it hurts so much.

      it hurts to know that once again, i'm feel like i'm in year 7 again, losing the people i gave my heart and soul to.

      it hurts to know that you've joined the overspilling crowd of people who i let enter my life and destroy it. you've now joined them, and together with them, you're making my insecurities deeper.

      it hurts to know that while i thought of you as universes and galaxies, you thought i was nothing but an insignificant star.

      it hurts to know that me being me is what brought us together in the first place and is now what's causing us to break apart.

      it hurts to know that behind your pretty lies of 'i love you', you despise my every action and i mean nothing to you.

      it hurts to know that you don't trust me anymore. it hurts to know that i'm nothing but an annoyance to you. it hurts to know that you're never there for me when i was always there for you.

      it hurts to pretend that i'm okay, that everything's okay, that your actions and your words aren't hurting me because if i speak up, then more people are going to leave. if i speak up, i'll be forcing people to choose sides, and i don't want that because they don't deserve it. if i speak up, then i'll lose my everything.

      and it hurts to know that.

      i replied the way i did, not because i'm lazy. i replied the way i did because i've had enough of being treated like shit and i've had enough of hearing bullshit excuses when in end, i'm still the one being hurt. i've had enough of being used, i've had enough of being taken advantage of because fuck you, just because i let you push me around doesn't mean i don't have fucking feelings too.

      i'm tired. i really am.

      and it hurts because i know that this is exhausting and it's toxic, because i still love you.
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Meraki
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Sat May 11, 2019 11:58 pm

    • Hate how a place I used to love with all my heart feels strange and out of place now. Things always come and go but... Damn.
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