Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Chat, socialize and discuss.
User avatar
equinox
Yellow Belt
Posts: 198
Joined: Tue Apr 25, 2017 11:30 pm
Gender: a societal construct
Location: dissociation
House: Halcyon
Contact:

maybe i don't make sense

Post by equinox » Sun Jun 24, 2018 8:58 am

Hidden text.
    • i'm so so sick of this

      the thought of you came to me suddenly, and the very memory of your voice hit me almost as hard as you used to. it was like my world was falling apart again, and all i wanted was to call you, and hear you call me stupid and worthless again, because then at the very least it wasn't me saying those things to myself. you were my first love, you know? and the only one i've ever really wanted. i gave you my heart and you never gave it back, and now i'm some kind of monster, eating other people's hearts like i'm starving for love, or at least something to fill the gaping hole you left

      mother fuck, it's been almost almost two years since you last told me you loved me. i know i was the one to leave you, but i don't even know if it was the right choice. i walked away because i always thought you could be so much better without me. how could you ever learn to be kind if i allowed you to treat me the way you did? you would never learn you were wrong if i kept rolling over for you, laughing off every fucked up thing you ever did to me. i loved you so much, and i know you loved me, underneath it all

      but you've moved on to bigger and better things and i'm still here, empty, wishing you would come back to hurt me again so maybe i'd have a reason to be feeling so bad

      i hope you're proud of the mess you made of me. i can't even picture a relationship without being knocked around, without being called pathetic, without having my wishes disrespected. god knows i'm trying but literally being treated like a person makes my skin fucking crawl. i don't know what to do when someone is nice to me, and it's your fault. i love you anyway. i love you the way stars burn and burn and burn out, their light still filtering down to earth. you're gone, and i chose that, but i still love you -- and the embers of that love will always be yours for as long as we're both alive. i hate it, but i can't hate you

User avatar
empathy
Black Belt
Posts: 2004
Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2016 6:09 am
Gender: Female
Location: California
House: Halcyon

↪ ɪғ ɪ ᴡᴇʀᴇ ʏᴏᴜ, ɪ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅɴ'ᴛ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ᴍᴇ ɴᴇɪᴛʜᴇʀ

Post by empathy » Wed Jun 27, 2018 11:37 pm

Hidden text.
  • I can't seem... to get myself to stop crying, so this is probably going to be all over the place. I've written countless letters over the course of a couple of weeks, and oh my gosh there is just so much that I want to say but I know that if I say them all, then I know that I will never be welcomed into that world. The world that I absolutely admire, and the world that I wish I could have been in sooner. If you read this and you know who you are, then you can go ahead and hate me. Hate me for being so stupid as to think that I would ever have a chance. Hate me for having faith that our friendship would be able to grow. Just hate me, because honestly the hate would be so much easier to handle than to love. I wish that I could be as important to you as those other people that you know so well are. The people from years ago, and the people who have been with you time and time again. The people that you probably go to whenever you need help or advice. Just... I wish I could be them. But I can't be. I can never be them no matter how much I try, and no matter how much I wish. I know you say that I don't deserve to listen to you about your problems and worries, but I still would be more than happy to listen. I may not give the best advice, and I may not be perfect but I can sure as hell try. I think that you're one of the most precious people in my life right now, and I honestly would do anything for you. Even if you end up hating me, pushing me away or killing me slowly until I am nothing more than the dirt beneath your feet I will still be there whenever you need it. In fact, I often tell myself that I would be honored if I could be a person that you confide in. Even if you hate sharing your emotions, I still would be completely and utterly honored. I don't even know what I did to have you in my life in the first place. Even if you're so far away I want you to know that you're one of my closest friends, and I hold you so dear to my heart, and I often cry (like how I am now) because I fear that you'll never see that. I fear that you'll never acknowledge or return any of it. And sometimes I'm too afraid to ever say anything because I know that if I mess up or scare you away, then we can't be friends anymore. The chance is 50/50, and while the chance of strengthening our friendship is high, our friendship is just something that I don't want to risk. Because you're the person that I cherish the most. You're the person that I talk to the most, and you're the person that I talk about the most. You're the person that I trust. You're the person that I want to protect. You're the person who makes the world just that much brighter. You're my favorite person in the whole entire universe, and I'm not just saying that. Over the months I feel like I have gotten to know you, and now it's at the point where I feel attached to you. And, whatever happens, I will always be here for you. I will always want to protect you from whatever life throws at you, and if I can't protect you, then I want to be the one who fights beside you. I want to be your equal, and that's a cause that I'm willing to die for.

User avatar
ichor.
Archivist
Posts: 17412
Joined: Sun Feb 17, 2013 12:08 pm
Gender: Female
Location: Texas
House: Halcyon Keeper
Contact:

Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Post by ichor. » Sun Jul 01, 2018 5:28 am

dear ___,

i really hate that i miss you. i shouldn't, but i do.
it's so stupid. and i can't really hate you, either.
just wish i could change certain things, but...
hope you're doing okay, at least.

sincerely,
me.

User avatar
petrify
Orange Belt
Posts: 305
Joined: Thu Oct 12, 2017 6:31 am
Gender: she/they
Location: hell
House: Vipera

Post by petrify » Tue Jul 10, 2018 6:02 am

Hidden text.
to all my friends
i'm sorry i'm always annoying. i'm sorry that i complain too much. i'm sorry that i talk too much. i'm sorry that i let my anger get the best of me sometimes. i'm sorry that i get too depressing at times. i'm sorry that i catch onto things too late. i'm sorry that i always intrude on your plans. i'm sorry that i'm so fucking stupid almost all the time. i'm sorry that i'm so indecisive. i'm sorry that i care too much.i'm sorry that i always ruin everything. i'm sorry that i'll never be good enough. i'm sorry for everything. i understand if you guys want to leave me. being friends with me sounds like hell and i'm just so sorry you have to deal with me.

User avatar
bellona
White Belt
Posts: 95
Joined: Sat Apr 08, 2017 4:24 am
House: Vipera

Post by bellona » Wed Jul 11, 2018 8:44 am

    • Hidden text.
      dear person no. 1,
      i miss you. i hate saying it but i do. i miss spending time with you. all i want to do is talk to you. and see your face. you're technically the only person who i have -- and all i want to do is talk to you. to call you, to facetime you, anything. i've been so alone and i've been struggling and i just want to talk. about nothing. i just want to be on the phone for hours, even if we don't talk. i just need someone there. that's all that i think about. i've tried to facetime with anyone, but people don't really want to. it's not like i haven't asked you, but i hate being pushy. fuck, i hate it. so instead of doing something about it, i'll just bottle it up and ignore it, instead of talk to you about it. sorry. fuck. fuck. i feel like you're ignoring me and i know you're not. you're not mean like that. you have a life and i just... don't. i don't have anyone else who i talk to on the regular. i should get more friends. but i just don't know how. i guess this shows how much of a pussy i am, right? i can't even say this to you directly. i don't know what to do about it. i'm upset. you're the only person who i feel like i can go to with my problems but i keep feeling like a burden. i don't want you to know me as the person who dumps all their shit on you. i want you to have positive memories of me.
      i wish that we spent more time together.

      dear person no. 2,
      i despise the fact that you told those things about me behind my back to the people around you. they all think i'm a dumbass now. how can you not keep your fucking mouth shut? not enough to talk about? so you resort to talk about me instead? well, serves me right. i was too blind to see that you were a snake in the grass.
      i hate the fact that you think i'd be intimidated by something. i'd do anything. i'd jump in headfirst. i'm not one to back down from a challenge -- but if i told you why i can't do this, you wouldn't believe me. no matter how many times i've told you it was uncomfortable for me and that i needed time, you still want to force me to do these things that i don't want to do. if you fucking do that to me and throw me in to something that i'm not comfortable with, behind my back, i'll fucking scream. YOU. ARE. NOT. HELPING. ME. you are stressing me out. i'm not fucking prepared to do that. and if you do it behind my back, i... i don't know what i'd do. i can't not talk to you. i'm around you all the time for fucksake.

      dear person no. 3,
      thanks. really. for ruining my life. because of some stupid thing that you "thought was right". fuck you. you only think about yourself. you never wanted to help me and you never thought of the repercussions for me. it wouldn't affect you. only me. thanks.

User avatar
Meraki
Overseer
Posts: 1682
Joined: Mon Jun 01, 2015 11:41 pm
Gender: Jack Frost
Location: The Devil's Domain
House: Halcyon

Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Post by Meraki » Thu Jul 12, 2018 4:48 am

    • Dear Gemini,
      xxxxxRemember your talk and purpose well, you've been reborn with grand power and potential, more than any previous counterpart. You are not them. What happens to you now is of your own doing and thought so keep strong and move forward. Love your partner, love yourself, and never back down from it. You hate so much in this world, but you only hate it because its what lives in you. You feel like you can't trust the word of others because you've lost the word to yourself already so many times. Past errors can be cleansed. Rise above them. You are not the victim. You make yourself one when in reality you are a strong victor making excuses for giving up your own win. Be a winner and be strong. Be who your partner needs and who you need and think to how unstoppable you could be now with infinite opportunity if you took it. You choose now what you make of things. It is time to know and trust yourself, to get over what holds you back and to finally beat others at the game of life. It is time. Swath your partner in your finest love and never let go of it. Do not make my mistakes. You shall have the best. I believe in you.

      Sincerely, Connor.
COME TAKE MY HEART OF GLASS
░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░
[My heart]xx[Dragon]xx[Duckling]xx[CC]

Image
───────────────────────
AND GIVE ME YOUR LOVE
.
Image
.
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
Heyyo, I'm Connor one of the site overseers
here on AS. If you experience any bugs, I'm
your guy to go to. I'm currently a witchling
trying to impress my boyfriend, I have this
huge obsession with foxes, and I love me a
good bit of horror. My inbox is always open
━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
.
░░
░░
░░
░░
░░
░░

User avatar
caim
Attendant
Posts: 126
Joined: Sat Apr 21, 2018 9:28 pm
Gender: Angelic Being.
Location: Satan's Lap.
House: Halcyon

a thank you that I've owed for a long time

Post by caim » Thu Jul 12, 2018 4:59 am




Image
          • Dear A,
            Where to start. You've been at my side for over a year now. The good, the bad, the life changing. I remember the first time you told me to calm down, breathe and stop being so dramatic. It was almost a relief. Your voice has never been harsh- your gaze on the other hand... You always knew how to put me in my place when it was needed but it was never forceful. Sometimes you would watch on as I self-destructed or wrecked everything around me, allowing me to deal my own fate, but would never stray. You never judged me. Not once. You would tell me what could be fixed to change my life, but not once did you say that I needed fixing. You took me as I was, in all my human error. However, I failed you for a long time. All those nights I would scream into my bed sheets and I could feel your eyes peering into my soul. I still have yet to deduce whether it saddened or frustrated you. I can only hope things will change a little bit more since I took my oath. You watched my rebirth, all the things I truly hated about myself dying. I have not yet slipped back into my old skin, and for both our sakes, I hope I never do. I hope I can finally do right by not only myself but you. I never did forget you. Not once. I actually remember one instance of you disappearing and me having a practical psychotic meltdown because I thought I had lost you. But what do you know- I found you eventually and I curled up to you that night. The other night, I had you press close between myself and my lover- that's how much you mean to me. Every time I think of you, call your name, I can practically feel myself shudder because I know that there is so much more to you and our relationship. I know that I'm a lot to handle- guess that's what happens when a broken human reaches out in hope of developing something meaningful. I know I've failed you in the past because you deserve so much more than just this. So, let me make a promise to you. I will let you spread your wings as far out as you desire. I cannot wait to see you in all your dazzling beauty. Thank you for always being here, my friend, my companion.
            XXXXXXXX- with all my affection, Klotho

User avatar
petrify
Orange Belt
Posts: 305
Joined: Thu Oct 12, 2017 6:31 am
Gender: she/they
Location: hell
House: Vipera

Post by petrify » Fri Jul 13, 2018 5:25 am

Hidden text.
to my in real life friends, who feel more like strangers to me everyday
i remember freshman year of high school when we were all so close. nothing was the matter, the group was all there. dia, al, fit, es, ley, laina, and then me. we all got along so well. every moment we spent together was full of laughter and fun, and even when the bad times did come, we'd all make up almost instantly. i'd like to know where everything went so wrong. oh wait a minute, maybe i do? when one of you decided that you were angry that i took es and al with me to MY OWN GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL instead of you, and you decided to spread rumors through out the group. sure, i knew alejandro for not even a year then, but maybe i was just more comfortable around him than YOU. maybe i knew how you were; a lying, conniving little bitch. and maybe i didn't want that there for my grandma's last day above ground, even if you did know her longer than both es and al. and then i started to trust you after that, and i confined in you when i was so depressed i just wanted to leave. end it all. and what did you do? unfriended and unfollowed me on everything and stopped talking to me because i was "too depressing" even though you said it was fine for me to come to you if i needed you. maybe this is why i bottle up my emotions and don't tell anybody when i'm struggling, because of YOU. because i'm scared that maybe one day, someone else will find me "too depressing", and i'd ruin fucking everything because of my own struggles. oh, but it's not all your fault. when i come to ANY of you, what do i get when i'm depressed? an "oh i'm sorry", and nothing more. even when i type out paragraphs of how i hate myself, how i'm laying in bed crying for hours on end, i just get a sentence or a few words. but when you all are depressed, i stop what i'm doing and comfort you guys until you feel at least a bit better. i offer to call. i offer to come over. i offer everything, and you take it all. it's fine, i love helping you guys. that's what friends are for, right? it'd just be nice if you guys would consider my feelings sometimes. to my ex best friend, i don't know when we fell off or why, but i feel like the only time you ever fucking talk to me now is when you need a therapist or when your boyfriend isn't readily available. if you miss me, why don't you ever fucking come to visit me, huh? oh, so you can go to your boyfriend's house almost every day, but you can't make any room for me? you miss me so much, you claim, but it doesn't ever seem like it. and it fucking hurts. it hurts so much because we use to be so close. and i miss that a lot. i miss being able to call you every night and talk about stupid shit. i miss you coming over every weekend and spending the night. i miss running through the halls of our high school together just acting stupid because we didn't care what people thought. but it's whatever. your racist boyfriend is better than me in your eyes, and that's fine. to my best friend who i'm not sure even likes me anymore, i hope H and your boyfriend are treating you nicely. because every time i come over, you would rather talk to H and his friends rather than me. you'd also rather stay with your boyfriend who's mentally abusive to you than listen to me. like i don't known the signs of a progressing abusive relationship when i've watched it happen before. i feel like you only want to be friends with me still so nobody else can "have" me. because i know how jealous you are sometimes. it doesn't seem like we're really friends anymore. i feel like i'm a second choice to you anymore. i feel like you hate me. i can't talk to you about what goes on inside of my head because you only say "awwww, q" and that's the end of the conversation because i don't want to bother you with anything. i don't want to run you off. because you're basically all i have at this point. to my other best friend who is two hours away, i miss you so much. i miss you so much sometimes that it actually fucking physically hurts. you were honestly the greatest thing to ever happen to me in my entire life. you made freshman year so much more bearable with your sudden arrival, and i'm so glad i came up to you and spoke. but nowadays i feel like weren't not even friends. i always message first, and even then, you don't reply most of the time. i don't want to lose you. i'm scared of that. but it seems like we're slipping away from each other. i feel like it's my fault, because in the end, it always fucking is. i'm never fucking good enough for anything or anyone, and this is proof. i hope the friends you have now are good to you. i hope you have fun talking to them. i hope you're happier with them, because i know how shitty of a person i am. i'm sorry i wasn't good enough to be your best friend. to my ex girlfriend, i'm sorry it didn't work out. it was my fault, i'm sorry. i didn't message you enough, i didn't make plans to hang out with you too much, i just didn't try hard enough. i didn't make you fall for me as hard as i wanted you to, and i didn't fall for you hard enough, either. i'm sorry. i'm sorry i wasn't good enough and that i'll never be good enough. i miss our late night chats about cow chop, and the memes we would send back and forth to each other. i miss study halls with you, where we would laugh until we cried and everything seemed good. i'm sorry we couldn't keep that up. and lastly, to another ex best friend, i'm sorry for not being a good friend lately. have i ever been a good friend, in all reality? probably not. you haven't been exactly good, either though. i still remember you telling multiple people about how i had a crush on the new girl, when i wasn't even fucking out yet. you know how much that scared me? you didn't specify me, but the fact that you even told in the first place... but nonetheless, i still miss you. i miss how we'd stay up, talking for hours on end in the summer and during winter break, skyping as we went through our least favorite ship tags on tumblr and read stuff to gross each other out. the little drawings we would give to each other, the happiness in our faces as we exchanges our gifts. now that we're older though, you've found new friends in a different school, and a boyfriend. you don't have time for me anymore, not even messaging. i don't message either, since you did walk out of my house once after only spending twenty minutes there. it was partially my fault, i'll admit, but still. tension has rose because of that. and we haven't really spoke since then. i hope your boyfriend is kind to you. i hope your new friends are better than me and don't piss you off as much as i did. i'm sorry i wasn't good enough to be called a real friend to you, either.
sometimes i wish i could rewind time and go back to freshman year; when we were all smiles and laughs, soaking in the best year of our lives. but i know i can never get that back. and that's fine. i wasn't good enough for any of you anyway. and i never will be. and that's fine, because all i do is disappoint, if you couldn't tell already by the shambles that all of our friendships are in. maybe i didn't deserve you guys in the first place. maybe it's all my fault. no, it is... and i'm sorry. please take care of yourselves because i love you all so very much and you deserve better. so much better.

User avatar
Cᴏᴍᴍᴀɴᴅᴇʀ Sʜᴇᴘᴀʀᴅ
Admin Aide
Posts: 703
Joined: Thu Jan 28, 2016 10:34 pm
Gender: Female
Location: Hell Bound.
House: Vipera
Contact:

Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Post by Cᴏᴍᴍᴀɴᴅᴇʀ Sʜᴇᴘᴀʀᴅ » Sat Jul 14, 2018 8:03 am

Hidden text.
    • Dear A.,
      I just cannot understand you. I don't know what the fuck you want from me, and this constant back and forth with you making me feel like shit, whether it's intentional or not, is really wearing down on me. When I said I use writing to relieve stress, I don't think you heard me at all. You simply said "that's fine, I understand that it's important to you", and yet, here you are, bitching because I go home and write every day after a long day at work instead of hanging out with you. You tell me how much less writing I'm going to be getting done once I start at the Jail. You constantly push it in my face that I'm never around, and that you never get to see me, even though you fucking clearly do. Why the fuck do I have to be basking in your presence 24/7? You are not a fucking God, and I worship no one.

      How many times do I have to say this? I'm not the fucking social butterfly that you are, I do not thrive off of human interaction and much the opposite of you, I despise it. I cringe and scream internally at even the thought of going to a crowded area with strangers all around me. I want to cry and pull my hair out whenever you want to glue yourself to my hip because I just can't handle it. It took every fucking ounce of strength in me today to not roll my fucking eyes at you when you tried to add your problems onto mine. I told you I was sick of not having an actual day off to just relax, and your response "Yeah you never hang out with me!". And I just sat there, closed my eyes and breathed in deeply because I knew that if I didn't get a handle on my self that I was going to lash out at you even though you stood two feet away from me.

      Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with you wanting to spend time with your girlfriend, but there is something wrong with me. I don't want to hang out. I want to be alone. I crave attention, I desire to have someone by my side, but I just want to be left the fuck alone. Does that make me the bad guy? Will I chase you away too, like I did with everyone else? Fuck it. I guess I'll just keep wearing my fake smile because I'm sick of running everyone off the second I show my true self. I'm sorry I'm not good enough to be who I really am. You'll never see this, and I never want you to because apparently our talks just aren't getting through that thick man skull of yours, and if you knew that I wrote this, you'd get angry with me and with the state of mind and constant stress I currently have, that's not something else I need to add to the pile of never-ending bullshit on my plate.

      Wise up, boy, because if you keep fucking pushing me, I'm going to push back, and I don't play nice.
      -K.
Image
┏━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━┓
xxxxx25, female, bisexual, taken. An avid, literate
xxxxxxroleplayer. I am into video games, tattoos,
xxxxxwriting fan-fics, and roleplaying. I'm an admin
xxxxxaide here on AS so if you have any questions,
xxxxxfeel free to send a pm! I don't bite I promise!
xxxxxxxsᴏᴜʟ - ɪɴsᴘɪʀᴀᴛɪᴏɴ - ʟᴏᴠᴇ - ʜᴏᴇ ᴅᴀᴅᴅʏ - ᴋɪᴛᴛᴇɴ

┗━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━┛ Image xlxImage
Image
Image

┏━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━┓
1x1 SearchInstagram
SarahaTwitch
xXCShepardXx on XB1 & PS4
Commander Shepard#3893 on Discord
Muse - 4/10 |☢| Time - 5/10
Original code © Meraki

┗━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━┛
Image

User avatar
Durnehviir
Blue Belt
Posts: 630
Joined: Wed May 10, 2017 10:30 pm
Gender: Female
Location: The boring ol' East Coast
House: Amaranthine

Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Post by Durnehviir » Mon Jul 16, 2018 6:58 pm

Drug and suicide warming.
  • Dear boop,
    My brother. My boop. My closest friend. I knew, we all knew, everybody knew. We all knew you were struggling with demons. You had to pay child support to that women, you had to worry about paying off your fines, you worried about your std and then you got a dui, and it wasn’t alcohol. Everybody knew you were a user. We tried to get you help in the past but you refused. You didn’t want it. You said you could get clean on your own. Heroin users can’t get clean by themselves. Over time you need more and more, and it will consume you. It did, consume you. You felt you had nobody, but you actually had everybody. Instead you took the easy way out, but you made it more difficult for everybody else. Why. You always came to me, for everything. Why didn’t you come to me now? Why did you think you were alone when all you had to do was call me. Come see me. Anything. I wish I would’ve gotten to see you one last time before you wrote your note. Before you laid down for the last time. Before you closed your eyes knowing you would never open them again. I miss you Damian. I miss my boop. My wonderful, kind, caring brother, that I will never see again. I will never hear your voice or your laugh again. Your laugh was infectious. You could make anybody laugh. You were such a kind person but your demons took control. I’m slightly relieved to know that you’re in a better place now. Your demons are gone and you are finally at peace. I just wish you wouldn’t have left your two young boys here alone. Me alone.. our mom. We found out on her birthday. Your death rocked her to the core. She doesn’t know how to accept that you’re gone. I wish you were still here boop. You were my best friend.. I could always ask you questions and you would never judge me for them.
    I could write a book about you Damian. But my eyes are so blurry it’s getting hard to see my keyboard. I want you to know, we all love you. Mom, Gram, Tina, me, lily, and your two little boys. I know you will fade from their memory but we will keep you alive in them for as long as we possibly can.
    We will get a proper goodbye on Thursday. I can’t promise that I won’t cry, because you know that I will. Until we meet again boop.
    See you, love you, bye.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 16 guests