Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

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Mon Feb 11, 2019 10:38 am

Hidden text.
  • it's three fucking am again. please don't read these & don't @ me. just let me be a mess in peace

    to the people i consider to be my friends, i guess,
    i'm sorry i never message you first. i'm sorry i don't keep in touch with you. i'm sorry that i get so overwhelmed by absolutely nothing that i just shut down and neglect to contact you for weeks, months, never again; even though i'm always floating around. it's nothing personal. probably. i never was good at sticking by others. i'm not used to people wanting me around. i'm sorry that i get scared and leave because i feel like i've worn out my welcome, that i feel like i'm annoying and you're better off without me. i'm sorry i'm so selfish and self-centered and whiny and dense. i'm sorry i don't know how to carry a conversation or even interact like a human being. i'm sorry for everything i do because i know that nothing i do is ever good enough and you all deserve better.
    sincerely, i'm sorry

    to my anxiety and paranoia,
    fuck off. why do you always show up just when i start thinking that i might be feeling better, doing better? just leave me alone, please. what did i do? did i do something wrong? why do i always feel like i did something wrong? like i messed up somewhere and everybody hates me for some reason? why do i always feel like people i don't even know or people i call my friends are talking about me behind my back? why do i want people to like me so fucking much? is it something i said? did i upset someone? is it because i'm the problem? is it because i'm too scared and anxious to regularly keep in contact with others? is it because i'm annoying? i already know i'm annoying. is it because i'm stupid? i already know that too. is it because i'm such a fucking disaster for no justifiable reason? tell me what i did wrong. why is that i get so wound up sometimes, just from this, that i get so sick i can't even eat, can't even take a sip of water without feeling like i'm gonna be sick. i'm just so queasy and nauseous and i can't sleep at night for so many reasons and it feels like something's wrong but i know that nothing's wrong. it's just? in my head? what did i do huh? tell me what the fuck i did wrong. i hate feeling like this so much. i don't know how to make it go away, please go away. i don't want you here, you've held me back so much already. please stop making my stomach drop when i read certain things, when i see a certain name. stop. stop. stop. i hate this. i can barely leave the house anymore because of you, i always take back alleys and side streets and avoid eye contact and hardly speak because of you. please please please don't ruin this for me too.
    sincerely, i'm so tired of being paranoid

    to myself,
    you can do better, you can get better. you just need time, stop being so hard on yourself. there's no shame in taking a step back from everyone and everything if that's what you need to do to get yourself together again. it's okay to stop talking to people that you don't like. it's okay to cut out toxic people. it's okay to cut out the manipulative abusive people. it's okay to scream into the void like this too if that's what it takes sometimes. it's not your fault, you can't control everything and what others think about you. you have stop thinking about the past and overthinking everything so much, it's not good for you. you need to love yourself more. i know you don't think you deserve it but you're probably a better person than you give yourself credit for. just, please take care of yourself. believe it or not, there are people out there who care about you. love yourself too, okay?
    sincerely, that tiny piece of you that knows this is fucking true
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Tue Feb 12, 2019 3:58 am

Dear You,

Ugh. You make me feel a weird blend of "I can't possibly deserve you" and "how can someone be so particular about stupid things like how clothes are folded yet have the worst floors and horrible bathroom..."

But overall, aside from always getting a damn crick in my neck to fit on the recliner spot with you, I feel safe with you, and you are the only guy to really truly care and understand about my reputation (it sucks that this matters more for women), that I care about the presentation of my home to those who visit, manners, social cues, to never pressure me, and even to send me home at a proper hour, that first time you invited me over to make dinner and watch a movie together, since I was so into you I would've stay until the wee hours of the morning.
Happy December!

- Update the anon box thread - in progress
- Discuss the workshop idea
- Finish the staff resource index
- Look over the SM survey ✔
- Look over the Discord proposal ✔
- Read and respond to Community discussion ✔
- Prep the spreadsheet for the December event ✔

make returns • clean out car • book camping • New Years

Happy Birthday to all of the December blueberries!
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Tue Feb 19, 2019 4:41 am

    • i've found myself thinking about you more often than usual as of late. they're not positive thoughts. i spent the last week plagued with dreams of you and of dad. usually they're good dreams. reminiscent. but these ones have been different. you're both different. in them, you take away the loved ones who i have left in the same fashion that you chose to end your own life. it's given me this sickly feeling... as if something terrible is looming just around the corner. it's not a pleasant feeling, but i supposed i have to feel it. i guess it'll pass. i want you to know that i'm not angry with you anymore. i hope you found what you were looking for. i'm so sorry that i wasn't a better sister to you. we both kinda fucked up in that respect, didn't we?

      i haven't stepped foot in your room in over three years. haven't even opened the door. not since the day it happened. i don't feel like i deserve to be in there. the energy that room gives off still feels so raw - so yours. god, i could literally feel your life slipping out of that room when they finally managed to pry the door open (one of dad's many damn-near indestructible "jake-proofed" construction projects lol even the cops couldn't bust it down). i remember so distinctly the rush of air that hit me even though there were no fans or vents running. i don't know. i hope you're at peace and i hope that i can find it in me to forgive myself one day. i know that that last year wasn't us. we loved each other. i just wish we would've remembered that.

      okay, i might've lied up there. i'm a still angry at the fact that you said those horrible things and got the last word by killing yourself. that's not fucking fair. siblings fight. that's the deal. we say shitty fucking things and then make it up to each other. you don't get to kill yourself before we could make amends and leave me with the guilt. i'm angrier at myself more than anything for lashing back out at you while you were so obviously hurting - but you knew exactly where to hit me where it hurt, y'know? you knew me better than anyone. you knew what would get a rise out of me. you said some shitty fucking things too.

      and you know what? i still would've done anything for you. i loved you, jacob. i still do. i hope we can forgive each other one day.
─────────────────────────────────────────────────xxxLADY LUCK, TAKE THE WHEEL
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Mon Feb 25, 2019 8:11 am

Hidden text.
to no one in particular

I’m tired of feeling so lost and hopeless. It’s been a pretty okay semester so far but this week has been the worst. I can’t even properly explain it or how I’m feeling to anyone in a way that they can understand. And even if they can understand, all they can do is be sympathetic and try to encourage me and give me a pep talk. It’s frustrating, not knowing how to adequately explain the fear, frustration, doubts, insecurities, etc.

This entire week I’ve felt stupid and incapable. I’ve cried at least once everyday. I’m burnt out and tired and stressed to the point that I get mad over stupid shit. I’m constantly irritated and snapping at my family at home. I’m doubting my ability to suceed and get into medical school. That’s terrifying to think about. I don’t have a back up plan at all. Medical is the only thing I’ve ever thought about and if that doesn’t work out then I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do. I’m an English major so the most logical choice would be becoming a teacher but I don’t think I’d be a good teacher at all. I don’t know. Going from striving to become a doctor to becoming a teacher is such a huge difference. Not that being a teacher is bad...it’s just something I don’t think I’d be able to do.

I’m just. Lost. I think I have to spend another semester or more in school which SUCKS because I was told I wasn’t too behind but based on what I have left, it sure as heck feels like I’m behind. Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know. I just don’t know what I’m doing at all.

I miss being able to do the things I love most. I miss being able to rp. I miss being able to spend time with my family, watching movies and going out, without feeling guilty for taking a few hours or a day to myself and suddenly falling so behind.

I just feel like I’ve fucked up in all my decisions. First with not agreeing to go to India for college so I’d be done quicker, choosing an English major over science, and so much.

I know college isn’t a race to finish. I know that. I just want to be done already. A lot of the time I don’t feel like I belong or that I’m smart enough to make it to where I want to go.
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Tue Feb 26, 2019 4:07 am

I wish you were still here, or that I had the courage to ask you how you are
we did everything together, how could you just leave?
I'm just so incredibly painfully lonely, you knew idk how to make friends
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Sat Mar 02, 2019 1:08 am

it's coming up to the anniversary again, and the wound is still as open as it's always been
i wish we'd known why you'd done it
i wish someone could have helped you
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Tue Mar 12, 2019 12:38 am

    • i've never had time to myself like this and my thoughts are terrifying me. i'm so scared right now and don't know how to ease these thoughts away. i love her so much but now i'm even questioning if what i'm feeling is even real. and its so fucked up. i'm unable to piece my mind together right now and i don't feel like i can go to anyone without getting judged.
      i just want to be able to sleep for once and get rid of these thoughts. my heart is screaming one thing and my mind another and i don'tknow who to trust.
      i feel like i'm floating at sea with a deflating raft and theres no one in sight. my strength is waning away and it feels like sooner or later the tide will take me and all i'll be is a memory.
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Tue Mar 12, 2019 3:44 am

Hidden text.
    • B.
      You made a terrible choice, and I sincerely hope you are prepared to face the consequences. You don't even fucking know me, so shut your fucking mouth before I do it for you. Wanna start rumors? What is this, fucking high school? You're twenty-four years old, act like it. You work for an Adult Detention facility, you are a Law Enforcement Officer, and you wanna go about starting lies? I hope you never get into the Police Department, nor make Deputy. Shit, I hope you lose your job over this. You lie, you die. That's how you end this career. They engrained this shit into our minds over and over and over, and yet here you are, lying your ass off because you're jealous. Honey, you better straighten the fuck up, because it's one thing to lie to my face, and it's a whole new fucking world of pain when you lie behind my back about something so personal.
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sometimes it really do be like that

Thu Mar 21, 2019 2:24 am

Hidden text.
  • i thought about you the other day, and it made me really sad.

    do you remember when we were best friends? when you were the first person to know anything and everything about me, about my day? what do you know about me now?

    i've been driving myself crazy, trying to figure out why our friendship fell apart. was it me? was it you? when we first met, all those years ago, i thought you were the coolest person i'd ever met. your hair was blue, you listened to punk music, and your art was amazing. it still is. i've always been socially anxious, and didn't have many friends, but i was brave for you. i talked to you first, put myself out there. i really swooped in right when you needed a friend, didn't i? i have a weird knack for that. the point is, i idolized you. i met a lot of my closest friends because of you. and i was always, always scared you'd find someone better than me.

    life went on, and we went from friends to best friends. nobody knew me better. there are things i told you that i've never said aloud to anyone else, not even my current best friend. i really, really trusted you, and you trusted me. we were like platonic soulmates, it seemed. everyone, even us, thought we'd really be friends forever. i miss being so optimistic

    i think we started to drift when your depression got better, and mine didn't. i'm so, so happy that you found a medication that actually helps you, but it was as if the moment you stopped needing to talk about your feelings, you stopped caring about mine. you told me once that you felt guilty for feeling better when i was still struggling, but that never bothered me. what hurt was the fact that you stopped supporting me when you stopped needing support. worse, you were sometimes dismissive of my problems. i know i've been petite my whole life, but when i started gaining weight and feeling insecure, you just said "you're literally my goal weight" and completely breezed on. and then when joan died, where were you? why didn't you ever check on me? didn't you care, at all, even the tiniest bit? i don't know, and that really fucks with me.

    but the nail in the coffin was when you left for college, and suddenly we had to deal with distance in our friendship for the first time. i was scared, because i didn't have many local friends left at that point, but i didn't have any reason to doubt you. i've maintained online friendships, so i knew we could do it. except, we couldn't. you couldn't.

    that first year you were in college, our friendship was flat-lining, and i was the only one performing cpr. i texted you daily, and sent you memes on instagram. you responded, of course, but it was always me starting every conversation, and wanting to Actually talk, instead of just sending memes back and forth. you did a lot of annoying things that year, like get me three parking tickets when i visited you at school, but the worst part was when you came home for summer

    while you were away, i could understand why there was a barrier up between us. you were busy, and so was i. but i thought that you'd want to see me, when we finally had time together. instead, you worked a lot, and continued treating me like an afterthought. it made me really angry, tbh, to see you hanging out with your new coworkers and smoking weed (which you gave me SO MUCH shit for) until 3am nearly every night, especially when you said we couldn't hang out because i closed at work a lot. i was almost always home by 10pm; you were out partying until far later. i still don't understand your logic. when i confronted you about it, you told me we were like an old married couple where the spark had gone out. excuse me? i'm sorry i was boring you

    you couldn't be bothered to try for my birthday, either. we made plans to get dinner on my birthday, which landed on a sunday that year, but everywhere we both liked was going to be closed by the time you got off work. it was really unfortunate timing, but you didn't even want to hang out afterwards. you ditched me on my birthday, and i still can't believe it. i cried in olive garden in front of my parents when they took me out for pity dinner bc you bailed on me completely. and what did you have to say about all of it? "oh it's fine, i didn't get you anything anyway." that wasn't the point. getting to see you was the point.

    i think you felt bad, because later you revealed that you actually did get me something. "i know you're not very sentimental," you said, "so do you want me to put everything together really nice before i give it to you, or just give it to you as is?" i told you i didn't need a fancy presentation, and you handed me an envelope full of photos you had developed for $5 (you left the price tag on), right after you finished telling me you knew i'm not sentimental. so you just... decided to get me photos. the most sentimental thing. okay then. i don't know if you already planned it, or if my expression gave away how i felt, but you also said you wanted to put $50 into a tattoo for me. i shouldn't have said yes, because you tried to tell me you couldn't put any money into my tattoo after i already put down the non-refundable deposit for the tattoo. even worse, you decided we should get matching tattoos. it's a beautiful tattoo, and i like having it on my body, but it's mine. i wish you didn't have it too

    after that, i stopped trying. over the course of that year, i made new friends, and reconnected with some old ones, and i realized you weren't really the sun. in high school, i always felt like you were the cool one, and i was your weird shadow. now, i know i've always been cool af. it just took me a while to see

    this is the part of the story you like to tell. you like to pretend i was the first one to check out, like i found new friends and forgot all about you, as if you didn't do it first. you went back to college, and i told you i didn't want to visit. i stopped starting conversations. i got rid of all my social media. if you wanted to speak to me, you had my number. otherwise, i was content to let you keep drifting. if you thought you could do better, i was fine with that. i thought i could do better too

    except, instead of letting me drift away too, you began to cling. you started carrying some of your weight in our friendship, starting conversations and seeming like you genuinely wanted me in your life. we had a long, personal phone call, where you told me you'd been jealous of me for years and that's why you sometimes found it hard to be genuinely complimentary toward me. i told you i'd been jealous of you too in high school -- you had a good relationship with your mom, and i wanted that So Badly with mine. it seemed like we were in a good place, after that. we saw a concert together, and i remembered why you were my best friend all over again. it hurt me, a lot, to let my guard down and start trying again, just for you to decide you no longer needed to.

    still, i was optimistic. you were my best friend once, and i loved you. i really, truly believed there was still something worth sticking around for, worth carrying our friendship on my back for. you weren't perfect, but neither was i, and i wanted to see if we could have more really good nights, like at the concert.

    then you really had to go and piss me off.

    you told me you were coming home for a weekend, and we made plans. i wanted to take you to the cat sanctuary i volunteered at, something you said you were down for, and then we'd just chill and exist together, maybe get dinner or something. except, the morning we were supposed to see each other, you said you didn't want to hang out until six or seven in the evening. i was a little confused by the sudden change in plans, but it wasn't a big deal. what was a big deal, however, was the fact that you brought one of your college friends down with you and conveniently forgot to tell me. it's not that i don't like your friends -- it's just, well. i only get to see you once every couple of months, and you literally live with the friend you brought. we got dinner without your friend, bc i told you straight up that i was annoyed to see them there. it was mean of me, but i didn't care. i especially didn't care after we went back to your house, and you asked me if i wanted to decorate cupcakes with you and your friend. i said no, because i'd just spent the last three days baking and decorating and helping my mom throw her coworker a baby shower. you said it was fine, until we walked into your house. then, out of nowhere, you turned to me and said, "we're decorating cupcakes, but you can just sit on the counter." i can't fucking believe you'd disrespect me like that. you're lucky i went home instead of giving you a piece of my mind

    i stopped trying after that, and i still haven't started again. you were confused about that, too. over winter break i only saw you twice -- once at my new year's eve party, and once just the two of us. you tried getting me drunk at my party but mostly just got yourself drunk, and you told me about your mental breakdowns. you put your hand on mine, and told me you missed me, missed our friendship, missed my love. it was a little late for that. when we went to the mall, a few days later, i was pretty spaced out. i'm sorry about that, but i don't know how to act around you anymore. you kept asking me if i was alright, and i kept telling you yes. it was the truth. i am alright, but i'm also different. you don't know me as well as you used to

    the last time i saw you was almost two weeks ago, now. you came home for a week, and i only gave you a couple hours of my time. we talked, and you said you missed me again. i said it back, but i lied. i'm not sorry i did -- i don't want to hurt you. it's why i'm not really telling you any of this. we haven't spoken since that night, and i wonder if you could tell how sorry for you i felt. it was hard not to pity you, when you clearly still felt something that i didn't

    i don't know whose fault it is that we're where we are now. is it yours, for being the first to stop trying? or is it mine, for being the last? i don't know, but i'm interested to see what you do when you come home for summer.
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digital witness
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Re: Write a letter that you'll never send - New Rule

Mon Mar 25, 2019 5:05 am

    • jacob,

      i hope you feel better, because i really think you fucked me up beyond repair.

      between the ptsd and the dissociative episodes. i'm exhausted. it's too much, y'know? three years later and i'm here googling grounding techniques so i can reel myself back in when i inevitably suffer another dissociative episode while i'm at work. i was on the bathroom floor in tears tonight at the thought of feeling this way forever, and you? well, you're still dead. so thanks i guess. i don't know. i know you were hurting, but you hurt a lot of people, dude. danny and mom seem like they're getting better - i do, too, sometimes. but not lately. lately i revert back to whatever the fuck that was that i experienced the day that you died. i guess it was just too much for me. my mind couldn't cope so it just kind of... checked out. like full-on out of fucking body checked out. problem is it never checked back in. i don't feel like me anymore. i don't feel like anyone anymore. there are days where i hardly feel like a person. and here i am... ranting to someone who's long dead.

      i don't know. i wish i could talk to you, y'know?
      i miss you
─────────────────────────────────────────────────xxxLADY LUCK, TAKE THE WHEEL
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